Quoth Eddie Murphy - "Merry New Year!"

Just a quick post to round out the 2011 year and welcome in the new year of 2012.  First off - shouldn't we have flying cars by now?
A link to a lovely post and my favorite blog (I admit she's a dear friend as well) regarding new year's aspirations vs. resolutions.  I've never been much good at the resolutions game and always end up beating myself up when my resolve gives in and they fall by the wayside weeks or months after January 1.  Aspirations leave room for growth, flexibility and gentleness with ourselves on those days when we come up short.   They are less finite and concrete than goals such as " lose weight, get a new job, sell the house or have another baby").  Those have their place too, but may be a little heavy handed as we say goodbye to one year and welcome another.   Aspirations won't necessarily be something you check off your list as having accomplished or not next new years.  They're a work in progress.  But if we set those intentions every day- we've already taken a huge step.
Without further ado, a short list of my aspirations for 2012:

• Be more gentle and kind with myself - the only way I can manifest these traits with my son and husband as well

• Basic shamatha meditation - short but consistent practice sessions - to work with my mind and try and loosen the hold of those kleshas that seem to run my life.  (family meditation time a couple times a week has been going great! The space is a great one for Tiger to be in and he's been responding well.)

• Let go of my endless list of urgent "to do's" in favor of responding to the emotional needs of those around me in the moment- which are far more important than getting the laundry done, even though it might not feel like it sometimes.

• More mindfulness of speech - this is a biggie for me.

• Taking care of my needs (even small ones like a pedicure or a haircut) before I reach critical mass

• Less technology (!!)

• Work joyfully toward growing my doula business and expand by becoming a childbirth educator as well

What are your aspirations for this new year? Do you make resolutions and if so, do you find them to be helpful?

May you be able to reflect on the last year, celebrate all that is past - the difficult and the joyous, and rest in the present moment as we straddle one year and move into the next.  Merry New Year!

"Let your monkey do it"or why it's F'in amazing to be a woman!

The quote above is one from midwife extraordinaire Ina May Gaskin's must have book "Guide to Childbirth".  In preparation for my labor with Tiger, I wrote up sayings on index cards that I thought would inspire me and help support me through the weeks leading up to labor and through the labor and birth itself.  These quotes came from various sources - from books I was reading in preparation for the event, from things my birth tribe (doulas, midwives, acupuncturist, chiropractor, and even the physical therapist who taught my prenatal exercise class) had said and also from friends and family whom I had asked to bring quotes, sayings and stories about birth and parenting to our baby shower.  In the weeks leading up to my "late" delivery (42 weeks + 3 days, give our take), I read the cards over and over, and as my prodromal labor dragged on, seemingly endlessly, the cards kept me company when I couldn't sleep through the contractions in the wee hours of the night.  When the time came to use them during labor, I remember looking at them in the birth pool while we were still at home, as I was going through transition - I believe DH handed them to me and asked if I wanted to look at them and I threw them across the room (which turned out to be a good thing because I puked shortly thereafter.  A lot.  And since I didn't puke on the cards, I was able to save them to stash in Tiger's baby book). 
Anyway, "let your monkey do it" was one of the quotes on the cards.  I had already read through Ina May's book at least once by the time I was writing up the cards, but in the waning weeks when I was waiting for labor to really kick in, I re-read one of the lovely birth stories every night to give me inspiration.  The monkey quote had stuck with me (and not just because I think the word "monkey" is silly) - it was something about getting primal, going to that place where we are often so discouraged to find in ourselves by this society, especially as women.  But it is this very place that we women need to go when we birth babies - we have to, in a sense, become cave women again - we have to tap into our monkey and let that monkey do the work of birthing our babies.  Ina May goes on to explain what she means by this: "Letting the primate in you do the work of labor is a short way of saying not to let your over-busy mind interfere with the ancient wisdom of the body”.
Ah, this sounds familiar from my meditation practice! Our over-busy mind interfering again with out innate wisdom (or buddha nature).  It's not an easy thing to attain - especially in a relatively short span of labor - somewhere between 8-48 hours or so.  In my own labor and birth, I was lucky enough that I was able to tap into my monkey fairly easily and early on and it served me well through a long and difficult labor.  I had the hardest time accessing it during pushing - I had to be given pitocin at the end of my long journey because my contractions had spaced and needed to be "beefed up" so I could push Tiger out.  That was the only time I remember being scared - even after 1 + days of labor and stalling with only a lip of cervix for almost 12 hours, I didn't get fearful until they told me they were starting a small amount of pit so I could push.  That was my time (I think most everyone has this time when you are birthing naturally) that I asked for pain meds - simply out of fear of what I had heard pit contractions were like.  But my team held fast, told me "no" and reminded me it would slow my already long labor (which they knew was what I wanted to hear) and we went forward.  Those contractions were really scary and I endured them for 2 hours while I pushed Tiger out - in those moments it took my doula's voice in my ear (and my midwife's voice from down between my legs) telling me not to hold back because of fear, to go into the fear and beyond it - to get my mind to stop interfering and let my monkey take over. 
I was reminded once again of this need for accessing the primal in birth a couple of weekends ago when my first doula client gave birth to a baby girl by all natural VBAC early one Sunday morning.  We lucked out as the midwife on call is the top of her craft - soft when needed, but firm at the same time and absolutely no bullshit.  She knows what needs to happen to bring women into that space - to access their monkey- and she has the ability to guide them there.  In fact, at one point in the wee hours of the morning, we were chatting and she repeated the Ina May quote "she needs to let her monkey do it." I remembered back to my own labor and understood what she meant.  My client, like me, is a smart professional woman who, unlike me, seems to be really in control of herself and her emotions.  Or, as the midwife put it, she's "in her head." This is often a laudable quality, but in labor, it can get in the way. 
My client had doubted her ability to birth without pain meds and her focus was mainly on the VBAC, but the fact is that the ability to VBAC is something that is interdependent with many other factors, as what happens in birth and in life in general, always is.  It's that nasty old cascade of interventions - epidural leads to a prolonged labor and could lead to the use of pitocin which in a VBAC can be particularly worrisome if you're using a practitioner who's worried about uterine rupture.  At 2 AM, after getting some sleep thanks to some helpful sleepy/relaxing meds, my client called me at home and asked me to come back to the hospital.  She was crying - they contractions were getting more painful and she was scared she could not keep up with what was to come.  "I just want it to be over." I empathized with her - I have been there and I know that feeling.  She had been talking about her possible desire for "potato salad" (her code word for the epidural) almost since we had set foot at the hospital (before she was in active labor).  She told me again that she thought she wanted the epidural.  I had a very frank conversation about how it would prolong her labor and if she really wanted it to be over, the best and fastest way was to let nature do it's thing.  She cried more.  It's such a hard place to be in and I felt for her, but I had to tell her the honest truth about what getting the epidural would mean. 
A couple of hours later, back at the hospital, I knew that my client had turned a corner, had given in and was letting her monkey do it, when I heard her screaming and banging her fists on the tub with each contraction.  She was in transition - we had finally gotten her in the tub as another attempt at avoiding the epidural - "let's try this and see how it works and then we can talk again about potato salad." The trusty "midwive's epidural." Sure enough, she wouldn't let anyone in the room except her husband for an hour - a good sign.  Then her husband came out and said firmly "she wants potato salad." The assistant midwife and myself called in the big guns and our guru midwife had her "come to Jesus" talk with mom.  Then the screaming started and tears filled my eyes because I knew in that moment she had given herself over and she was going to birth this baby without intervention.  She let the midwife massage her back after many hours of not letting anyone but her husband touch her.  She made all those wonderful moans and groans women use to get their babies out after hours of total silence during her contractions.  It was beautiful.  The midwife talked her through each contraction - mom telling her she wanted the epidural with each one, the midwife telling her she'd get it after they got through that contraction - just one more.  The midwife got her out of the tub very slowly to check her "before we give you the potato salad" and sure enough she was fully dilated.  My client in side lying on the bed, grabbed hold of the rails with one hand and her leg with the other and said something like "let's do it NOW!" She pushed strong, she pushed like she was born to do it, and one hour later - her baby girl was born into dad's hands and placed immediately on mom's chest where she shortly thereafter began to nurse.  Mom said "guys! I did it!" and high fived all of us.
This is what birth can and should be.  So often we lose sight of this - how it can be.  Even if medical interventions do become a necessity - we can still keep that same spirit intact.  I visited mom, dad and new baby girl the next day and they were both elated.  Mom was able to be up and about - so different from her c-section recovery.  Dad was still grinning ear to ear when I talked to him about how it was to catch his second daughter.  I felt so honored to have been there to witness it, to do any small part in supporting this couple and this baby.
When I talk about natural birth, I get varied reactions.  Most of my friends gave birth naturally, as did my mother with me, so it's pretty commonplace in my circle.  I do have a few friends that have chosen the epidural route and some friends who ended up needing medical interventions or c-sections.  And then I get the people who react with "are you crazy? why would you do that?" when I tell them I gave birth naturally.  I think each person chooses what's right for them - for me I think it's crazy to have a huge needle voluntarily stuck between the vertebrae in my spine when it's not medically necessary.  I also don't want to have to battle the often not talked about side effects of an epidural.  The swelling I had in my feet after I needed IV fluids during labor was enough of a pain in the ass - headaches and pain at the injection site? No thanks.  I also feel bad that some women don't want to experience this truly unique thing that only us women (and not even all of us, sadly) can do- and I think a lot of those choices are made by women because of a lack of understanding, information, and a culture that portrays birth as a medical emergency, as something to fear.  I think many woman, if given all the information, would actually chose to try and birth naturally and that's part of my goal as a doula, a future childbirth educator and in this blog - to start giving women information.  Some women are threatened by the "natural birth movement" (I actually think that's an oxymoron - we should be talking about the "over-medicalization of birth movement") - just as some women are threatened by breastfeeding or  choosing not to circumcise a baby boy.  But, we're all adults here and you can't blame someone else for your feelings.  Those who are threatened by these things may need to look deeper at why - if they feel guilty on some level, that's something within themselves that may be worth investigating.  If they truly made the choice they feel was best for them - or what they really wanted regardless of whether it was a best practice - then there's no need for feeling threatened or guilty. 
But, I've wandered from the topic - all I wanted to say really was women are just the most amazing, powerful creatures on earth.  I am fortunate that my work as a doula allows me to be reminded of this and to touch that place in me with each birth I am a party to.  This doesn't just come up in birth - whenever you're in a tough spot and really need to dig deep to access your strength - try letting a little of your monkey take over and see what happens! 

Nutcracker? Sweet!

DH and I are not Christian. In fact, we don't believe in god as put forth by judaeo-Christian religions. We are, in fact Buddhists. So, we've struggled over the last 10 years since we've been together and especially the 4 we've been married, with what to do about Christmas. Now that we have Tiger, that question has become even more important. Just what do the holidays mean to us and what do we want to impart to our kid? What kind of traditions work for our family?
This is not an easy question to answer and I've realized it's something we'll be figuring out a little bit every year. You might think that this would put us in a place of being exclusive- being clear what we don't believe in and what celebrations we don't want to take part in. But, in truth, not being tied to a particular "belief" about Christmas (i.e. Jesus was born that day) actually allows to be incredibly inclusive and take in parts of all different traditions that we feel comfortable with, as well as inventing our own traditions and celebrating our spiritual community's holiday- Children's Day.
Briefly, we come together as a community to celebrate Children's Day on or around the winter solstice. We celebrate the warmth and light our children shine into our lives and the lives of our sangha even on the darkest day of the year. There are songs and dance, games, and a visit from the King and Queen of Shambhala who bring sweets to the kids. Then there's a potluck celebration and usually a communal charitable giving (for instance canned goods for a local food pantry).
We're figuring out the rest. Trying to scale down the amount of material presents given and received from family is a big goal. We'd love to get it down to zero at some point. We've decided not to do the whole Santa Claus thing, deciding instead to tell Tiger about who St. Nick was as a person and how a myth has grown around him since his death that some people choose to believe. He can choose whichever path he likes - if he wants to participate in the game, so be it, but we won't be telling him that his gifts come from anyone other than his family. Christmas lights and trees are fun and great. Our nanny, her daughter and Tiger are making unbreakable ornaments and we'll pick out the tree this weekend.
For us, this time of year is about family, friends, community and just enjoyment of each other. The spirit of giving. We feel gifts are not necessary but we understand it's hard for others to leave that part behind. We are being careful to ask for specific things for Tiger. We don't allow plastic, light flashing, noise making toys in our house and tiger has limited tv time (the tv is never on in our house and we don't have cable). So we're trying to be firm but compassionate in asking people to adhere to what we want Tiger to have- always putting forth the message that he needs nothing except to see and talk to family on a regular basis- even though it's often over iChat due to geographical spread.
So we working through figuring out what the holidays will look like for our clan. Next year, Tiger will be old enough to start contributing to what becomes our traditions. He already is. He's decided he loves "carol of the bells" thoroughly so it's on repeat alot as he dances to it laughing with unbridled joy. And today, I got to take him to a special kid's version of the Nutcracker at this beautiful old theater we have in the area. You know- with the balconies and chandeliers. Beautiful. Anyway, me, Tiger, his amazing nanny and his BFF, our nanny's daughter, all went. Me and nanny questioned whether it was insane to bring a 15 month old to an hour long ballet but Tiger loves music. In the days leading up to it, I showed him YouTube clips of the ballet and we danced to the music. He did wonderful at the performance- really no crying and sat in my lap for much of it, eating snacks and watching the dancers, he clapped and cried "again! Again!" when something struck his fancy. When he would get restless, we'd stand at the back of our balcony and I'd hold him in my arms swaying to the music while we watched from there until he was ready to sit again. When he got fussy at the end, which was close to his nap time, I nursed him
In our seat while he watched the dancers with one eye.
It was a magical moment and although I'm sick as a dog with a bad cold, I was glad I rallied to make it happen. I love that ballet, the music is forever linked to the Christmases of my childhood because my mom had a four record (yes we only had records when I was young!) set of the suite. I remember it playing during the holidays as our soundtrack as we baked cookies and decorated. I remember that far more than the giant mounds of presents that were heaped upon us kids (me, my siblings and my cousins) every year. That stuff has no staying power- the nutcracker does, however. Those are the memories I want Tiger to have. I'm so glad for today. The presents we buy him mean nothing- his look of joy and wonder at ballerinas leaping high into the air is what is most important. How do you spend your holidays? What is most important to you? How do you work to avoid the stress and commercialism of the season?

Nothing is ever free - including formula!

Last week an interesting item in the news concerned that little state of Rhode Island, where hospitals are the first to go 'bag free' - stopping the practice of "free" formula giveaways to every mother who gives birth.  I mulled this over for a while.  At first, I thought "hooray!" because I breastfeed and think formula companies are, as are most companies, fairly insidious beasts.  Then, I stopped and thought, wait, is this bad for moms who want to formula feed but don't have a lot of money? Then I thought longer and realized, as so aptly put by Jessica over at the Leaky B@@b in her great series on "unsupportive support" of breastfeeding, that this formula isn't really "free" nor is it helpful to women.  The costs of providing these millions of dollars worth of "free" samples of formula to hospitals is of course, passed on to the consumers of the product (you didn't really think formula companies were altruistic just because they make cute looking ads with happy looking babies in them, did you?).  Formula is ridiculously expensive - as a momma who only breastfeeds, I have often said I have no idea how people afford to buy formula.  Same with disposable diapers, but that's a topic for another time.
Anyway, the Rhode Island policy is not to ban formula giveaways in the hospitals entirely as some seem to be recounting, rather, they will only give the samples to those moms who experience difficulty breastfeeding (whatever that means - it's hard! we all experience difficulty).  Point being, it's not as if women will be completely shut out from receiving the samples if they so desire; however, the policy of the giveaway no matter whether a mom wants it or not and as a routine matter of course is done with.  And good riddance.  As the article from NPR I linked to above points out, according to the CDC, only 38%  of Rhode Island mothers nurse their babies six months after birth, compared with 44 % nationally.  Read that again.  Both numbers are atrocious.  Especially when you consider the AAP recommends breastfeeding for at least one year and WHO recommends breastfeeding for 2 years and beyond.  So what is going on here? I really think, as do many others (and there's been research on this), that lack of support in the US is a big factor in why so few women are still breastfeeding at 6 months.  This lack of support includes in the medical community, in the womens' social communities, and in the workplace.  There is also a huge lack of education on just how beneficial breastfeeding is for your baby and for you as a momma - especially for those in low income communities. 
I should come out and say, I am not only a breastfeeding momma, but I am still nursing my almost 16 month old.  I should also say, I never thought I would breastfeed this long and had no intention of going beyond a year, but I am so happy I still am and so is Tiger (he's a boob man).  I think Jessica hits many good points in her blog and I won't repeat them here (it is a post worth reading), but the most important is an understanding that formula companies are a business.  And like any business they are looking to attract customers and make profits.  They will go to great lengths to do this.  Did you see the ads for the chocolate flavored formula? Thankfully, public outcry led to a quick cease in production of that product, but again, formula companies are businesses.  They may try to get you to forget that - and they may act as if their free formula samples and "breastfeeding support" hotlines are really just helpful and not at all geared toward undermining breastfeeding, but don't for a second believe it.  What business model ever was successful in encouraging women to do something that guarantees the women won't need their product?
Here's my experience - with my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage (see previous posts), I bought some maternity clothes (my first ever) and naively gave my name and mailing address to the cashier at Motherhood Maternity when she asked for it (I blame pregnancy brain for this incredibly stupid lack of judgement).  Anyway, I began getting all sorts of mail - most of it from formula companies and cord banks (as if I have the money for that).  It was bad all around.  And it kept coming right up until the date my baby was due, which was doubly awful since I lost the baby in my 13th week and every time I got the mail, I had to be reminded of that sad event.  Within a week of my name being sold (thanks, Motherhood, you evil mofos) to these companies, while I was still pregnant, I came home to find a nice brightly colored package on my porch.  Yay!, I thought.  Goodies! Well, what was in that box but 6 cans of similac formula "free" for me.  I was probably 10 or 11 weeks pregnant and I had no idea yet what I wanted my labor to look like and hadn't given a thought to how I would feed my baby.  I thought at the time, "that is so generous! I will put this away in a drawer for when baby is born because I'm sure it'll come in handy."  And so it begins.  By the time I had Tiger, I knew better.  I knew I was going to breastfeed exclusively and I had a good lactation consultant in the hospital and breastfeeding support through my midwives and doulas, but after Tiger was born, he had to stay in the hospital because he was jaundiced.  All my friends and the aforementioned supporters kept telling me the best way to get his biliruben levels down was to nurse.  So, I was happy when my milk came in on the third day after he was born and I nursed him near constantly while he was still in the hospital.  But, the pediatric staff at the hospital didn't agree - I was literally told I was "brain damaging" my son because I refused to let them give him formula.  When I did finally relent, he spit it all up - so they gave him soy formula (turns out he was allergic to both).  When he was transferred to NICU at another hospital, they sent me off with a box of soy formula telling me I HAD TO SUPPLEMENT OR HE WOULD DIE.  I'm not kidding.  The NICU was much more breastfeeding friendly and supplied me with a pump and storage bottles, and a place to do my business complete with a radio and magazines.  They very much encouraged giving him breastmilk and their literature on jaundice even said in the first paragraph that nursing was the best way to bring the bilirubin levels down.  But, I couldn't pump enough this early in the game and so they supplemented and gave him way way too much for his tiny tummy in an effort to reverse the levels.  When he was ready to be released two days later, I met with the lactation consultant who assured me his latch was good.  I was then given his discharge papers which said he needed 5-6 ounces of milk per feeding and that I needed to supplement with formula.  They then handed me this nicely wrapped box of free formula (I later gave it to a friend who couldn't breastfeed).  So many things are wrong with this scenario (5-6 oz? for a newborn? and that implicitly undermines breastfeed because as I asked our pediatrician the next day, how will I know he's getting that much if I'm nursing and not bottle feeding?).  My pediatrician saw him over the next 2 days and immediately said we didn't need to supplement, he was back up to birthweight, the jaundice was gone and would not return.  "Just feed on demand," she said.  The sweetest words I wanted to hear.
My tale is illustrative, I think, of so many practices in this country.  I can count very few women I know who have delivered in a hospital (that was my first mistake) who have not been sent home being told they had to supplement with formula, whether this was medically necessary or not.  Also, most babies seem to be given formula as a supplement while still in the hospital.  Why? Because it's there, it's free and many people, even medical staff, don't understand breastfeeding - especially in the early hours of a newborn's life.  So, I applaud RI's policy.  As Jessica points out in her blog, women who truly want and need formula and can't afford it, can receive aid through other sources to obtain formula.  Also, the RI policy does not ban these women from receiving the "free" samples. 
This is not about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, although I know it touches that nerve in many women who "don't want to be told they should breastfeed." My quick response to that is if something is safer and healthier for your baby, don't you want to be told about it? Whether it be a medical procedure, a product on the market, or a medicine? If you then choose to ignore that advice for whatever reason, so be it.  No one can make someone else feel guilty - we are all responsible for our own emotions and if you choose to feel guilty, you may want to investigate why.
Happy nursing everyone! May RI's decision be parroted in other states, including my own.  I hope that the policy change also includes the decision to ensure that women get the support they need because as I have said to many new mommas, breastfeeding is f$##ing hard! But, with the right support, almost every momma can give that gift to their baby and to themselves - and everyone wins (except the formula companies!)

The giving of thanks

On this eve of the Thanksgiving holiday in the U.S., I pause to think of the many things I am thankful for and find that the list is quite long.  Taking a step back from this list, I can then marvel at how incredibly fortunate I am to be born into these circumstances, at this time, with these people.  A friend of mine who writes a beautiful blog that I encourage everyone to read says it better than I can here.
Last night, after the baby was in bed and the rushing around of house cleaning was complete (enough), my husband and I sat and talked about how we wanted to go into this holiday season - with what intention? We each specified things we wanted to cultivate in ourselves as we enter what can be a stressful and rushed time.  For me, I put forth the intention to bring a light air to things - instead of getting bogged down in the details of the chores I didn't get to in anticipation of visiting friends and family or maybe a part of the feast that burned - just accepting and appreciating with a sense of humor and wonder.  This is not an easy task for me and is not my strong suit but in wanting to model for my child, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that not making a big deal out of these things and letting it cloud over all that I do have, is so very important.  If I see it through his eyes - the visiting grandparents, the new foods, the few days off that we all have together where no one has to go to work, the Christmas lights in the park - it is easier to appreciate and to marvel at this world. 
So, tonight I go home early from work to my son, husband, and my parents who drove 10 hours through the rain to join us for the holiday.  Tomorrow morning, we wake and put our very expensive but very healthy organic free range antibiotic-free turkey in the oven before heading over to pick up and deliver not as fancy turkey dinners to the many in need who live just within blocks of our warm, cozy house.  Then the friends and their children arrive. 
I think of my brother who battles mental illness, cannot work and at nearly 40 years old, lives in half-way houses often out of communication, out of work.  We were born and raised in the same circumstances, but our karma was and is different.  I don't know if he has someone to spend this holiday with or anything that he can appreciate, but I hope so.    
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.  May you find something to appreciate, no matter how small, tomorrow and in the coming weeks and may you be able to take the time out of the mad rush of cooking and seeing family, followed by the overbearing leap into the Christmas season, to breathe, reflect and give thanks.

Aspirations and Appreciations

Whew! It's hard to keep up with this blog.  I keep thinking of things I want to write about and then not sitting down to do it.  I have seen several important and thought provoking articles over the last couple of weeks I have wanted to share and blog about, but I'll save them for later posts and make this a more personal sharing.
Before I get to it, I have my first prenatal visit with a doula client this weekend.  She's due in just a couple of weeks, trying to VBAC, and I'm teaming up with a super fabulous other doula in training to work with her! Very excited/terrified.  We'll see how it goes!
Anyway, on that personal note, this week marks 3 years since we lost our first child in a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks pregnant.  Dear friends of ours recently went through this themselves - a much wanted third child for them- and it brought back all the old emotions and memories that resurface at this time of year anyway.  I still haven't posted Tiger's birth story, and I will do so, but the journey of my pregnancy and birth with Tiger, really begins with that first pregnancy. 
We were so elated that we became pregnant only a few months after I went off birth control and I had no idea what a missed miscarriage was or that I could lose a baby and have my body carry on as if pregnant.  In some ways, I am glad I didn't know -as it really is such a difficult thing to put that worry out of your mind once you have that knowledge and experience (I found this out with my second pregnancy with Tiger).  Anyway, the pregnancy was going along great.  We had reached the "safety" milestones - heard the baby's heartbeat at 9 weeks, made it to the 12 week mark and second trimester, but around the 13 week mark, I had some light spotting and a sharp pain on my left side a few times.  I was sick with worry - I just immediately knew something was wrong - but it was a weekend and I decided to rest with my feet up and see my OB on Monday.  My husband talked me down from my worry and I was so thoroughly convinced I just had a mild urinary tract infection that I told him he didn't need to come with me to the appointment. 
As you can guess, the appointment revealed that our baby had passed away in his 10th week, however, my body continued unabated to grow and care for what it thought was still a living being.  No heartbeat heard on the doppler led to an ultrasound led to the news delivered by an unskillful male midwife at my former OB practice and as my OB was at the hospital, another doc in the practice, without even seeing me, informed the midwife that I needed to come back immediately to have cervadil placed in my cervix in order to soften it and so a D&C could be performed the next day (this was my first encounter with the horror show that is maternity medical care system in the US).  I was in shock and alone and as I left the office, I remember distinctly soft snow flakes beginning to fall - the first snow of the year.  A year in which I thought we would be meeting our first baby.  The rest of the details are unnecessary, but briefly, I had the presence of mind to have my husband (who met me at home after I called him at work with the news) call and switch my appointment later that day to my OB (the only sane and decent one in the large practice).  He told me there was no rush, I had several options and one of them was to simply allow my body to miscarry naturally.  Over the next couple of days, DH and I weighed our options and eventually made the difficult choice to have the D&C as my body was showing no signs of letting go of the baby (the spotting had even stopped) and I couldn't emotionally handle still carrying this baby inside of me.  We decided it was time to let him (we firmly believe it was a boy) go and allow us to move on with our grief and allow the baby to move on to his next destination.  This was probably the hardest decision I (we) ever had to make.  The procedure was very difficult for me - emotionally and physically.  I chose to do it on an outpatient basis in my OB's office as opposed to under full anaesthesia in the hospital.  I am very scared of being unconscious while someone does something to me and I felt, that as his mother, I owed it to my baby to be awake and present as he was removed from me.  DH too was in so much turmoil, he passed out during it, which actually lent some lightness to the room as nurses rushed to his side with smelling salts and my wonderful OB didn't miss a beat, barely looked at him and said to me "he's fine.  how are you?" while he continued with the work.  It was like a TV show.  The surgery was not painful, just some tugging and pressure.  I said the six syllable mantra "Om mani padme hum" over and over throughout the ordeal - clinging to those words as my life raft.   After the procedure, I had a panic attack while lying on the table and my pulse racing, dizzy, I had to stay lying down on my back while the kind nurses fed me candy (peppermint patties - I'll never eat them again) and gave me juice to drink out of a straw for a long time before I was able to get up and leave.  As we took the elevator down to our car, I said to DH "I will never do that again." Meaning, if I ever have to go through the trauma of a miscarriage again, I will not put myself through the additional trauma of the surgery.
My friend chose the path of letting the baby pass naturally.  It has been hard for me not to reflect on my choice those years ago and doubt it - but in my heart, I know I did what I needed to for me, for my husband and I believe, for that baby.  By the time we found out the baby had passed, it had already been 3 weeks since he had died - almost one month by the time I had the D&C.  My body, this body that loves to have babies, still was barely registering this fact, if at all.  And there was life to get on with - a job I needed to return to and healing that needed to happen before all of that.  So, I made that choice.  I hope I will never have to face such a choice again.
Something like that shakes everything in your world - even your political beliefs.  I am a staunch pro-choice believer.  But, when you lose a baby like that, there is no doubt that it was life, life of some sort.  In the waiting room next to me, a teenage mother was having an abortion.  She was there with her friends and her boyfriend.  Joking around about it - it was not her first - and she acted like it was routine.  It was hard for me to swallow.  She walked out of the office at the same time as me, but didn't look as shaky.  "BTDT," as they say.  It didn't shake my beliefs - I still believe vehemently in a right to choose (even in that girl's right to choose) and I believe we need to educate young people so that they don't get in a situation where they are using that procedure again and again instead of birth control.  That's a bigger topic.  But, it's there - when you go through this situation - it comes up.
That was our first baby.  We had a memorial service with family and friends. We somehow made it through Thanksgiving (we had it at our house, a horrible idea, and I spent most of it in the computer room commiserating with women on my miscarriage chatboards that helped me so much at that time).  We picked up and went to Vermont  for the long weekend to get some space, some different space, some perspective, I guess.  In June of the next year, I commemorated the baby's memory in a tattoo on my ankle.  A picture of a little baby sleeping in a lotus.  It helped me so much in moving through to whatever was next, while keeping that baby alive and always present.  People always ask me about that tattoo.  Some days I tell the story, some days I don't. 
What was next was our Tiger.  It took a long time for my body to heal and reset after the first pregnancy and miscarriage.  I worked with my acupuncturist to get my cycle back to normal, to get my womb ready for another life.  After several months, we learned I was pregnant the night before Thanksgiving 2009.  There was tremendous joy and trememendous fear - the push and pull of hope and fear.  It was just a few days after the one year anniversary of losing our first baby.  It was and is so lovely to have that to celebrate at the same time that we mourn every year.  The cycle of birth and death right there - and day to reflect on it all and give thanks just right around the corner!
So, today I think about being appreciative leading up to Thanksgiving.  It has become about much more than turkey dinners.  Every year, beginning with the year we conceived Tiger, we spend Thanksgiving morning picking up meals and delivering them to our less fortunate neighbors.  And every year, I mourn the loss of our first child but celebrate the conception of our second, who, I truly believe, is so linked to our first as to be almost indistinguishable.  And this year, I celebrate his 15 month birthday as well! This year, I also am thinking about aspirations as our community puts forth the 100,000 aspirations project - so that these aspirations may be placed in a new stupa being built at one of our centers.  There is a subtle distinction between the two - aspiration and appreciation.  To me, aspiration involves more intention - it is something you desire to put out into the world, whereas appreciation is more of a hanging back and just reviewing what is and being thankful for it.  Aspiration is more forward looking, whereas appreciation is resting in the present moment.  I invite you to watch this video by Pema Chodron talking about aspirations.  I invite you to reflect on this during the holiday season especially. 

The other day, Tiger walked up to me as I was sitting in a chair, right leg crossed over left with my ankle showing - he pointed to my tattoo, which he has seen many times but rarely every paid attention to, and said "baby" and kissed the tattoo.  Then he walked away - toddling off to go play.  Some day we will tell him about his big brother, but he already knows.   

Going public (and perhaps rogue?)

Well, I have been lackadaisical in blogging, but it's been on my mind so I decided to open up my blog to the public (eek) and see if that forces me to do more with it.  As I type this, I am doubting my decision, so maybe I'll pull back by the end of the day - I'll sit with it a bit. 

Thinking a lot these days about my calling versus what I do for a living.  My calling, which I didn't discover until very recently, is working with women in preparing for and going through labor (natural childbirth being my strong preference) and assisting them during the postpartum period and with breastfeeding.  So, I am becoming.  Becoming what? A labor and postpartum doula, a childbirth educator and a lactation educator.  What does that mean? Here's an explanation on the scope of practice for these "jobs" (and I use quotes because although they are paid jobs, it's hard for me to consider any of them a job as I associate a job with something I don't want to actually do) from the Childbirth and Postpartum Professional Association (CAPPA) website http://www.cappa.net/about-cappa.php?scope-of-practice.  I share this resource for those of you who may be pregnant or are trying to get pregnant and are thinking about and planning your labor and birth. 
There are many resources out there that people do not seem to know about.  I am always shocked that in 2011, I still routinely hear from pregnant friends this question: "what is a doula?" I move in certain circles where these things are just known.  I am always happy to educate and expand people's knowledge of what birth can be. 
I decided to train with CAPPA and work toward my certifications in these areas instead of just "throwing up a shingle" because I believe that having a scope of practice and being affiliated with a professional association is a good thing  for both me and my clients.  Besides, there is a lot for me to learn - going through my own natural childbirth was something that I think goes into the experience and qualifications category - but there is so much more to know to be able to effectively help women and their partners during birth.  Also, I'm a lawyer by trade and we like things like licenses, degrees, certifications and professional associations.  It just makes me feel safe, for lack of a better word.
In the past year, I have been lucky to help some of my friends via email and phone prepare for their natural childbirth and/or vaginal deliveries (some with epidurals) and to field their questions about breastfeeding and other postpartum issues.  I've had a great experience doing so and I've gotten feedback that my advice has been helpful.  Often my advice is born from my own experience and I do a lot of pointing women to resources that are out there to help them.  Any day where I have helped and supported a friend with her labor and postpartum needs, is a good day for me.  Today was such a day when I recieved an email from a friend who recently gave birth inviting me to view her blog about her labor and her postpartum experiences (plus cute pics of her beautiful baby girl).  I was one on a small list of people invited whom she thanked for sharing a positive birth story that helped and encouraged her through her own natural childbirth.  So, today is a good day.  This is my calling.  This is my purpose. 
I come to a job every day because I have to and I work it because I need to help support my family - but it is not my calling.  Perhaps it once was, but every moment is a new moment, we are always changing so our dreams change as well.  My training as a Buddhist hammers this home again and again - everything is impermanent.  My plan: within 5 years, to be engaged in my calling - to be working with women and their partners and spreading the gospel about natural birth - and doing some law work on the side to fill in the financial gaps.  I put this out to the world because perhaps it will help doors open in ways I could not imagine - much as my pregnancies (one miscarriage and one beautiful healthy Tiger boy) opened doors in my life I could never have foreseen (I'll post more on that at another time).  I carry very hefty student loans, that is what currently stands in my way from quitting my job today.  I am trying to find ways to make this all work - anyone out there in the world want to lend a hand or have some ideas? I'd love to hear your stories, thoughts and words of encouragement.
Next post, I'll share my journey - how I got here - including my birth story.  Thanks to all the women out there who continue to do this good work and inspire me forward.

The importance of being (earnestly) rested

Well, it's been a few days since I updated.  I kept meaning to, but we had a couple of tough nights that tired me out and left me laying on the couch useless at night after Tiger went to bed and then we had some good nights and I had enough energy to spend QT with DH after Tiger went to bed and figured that was more important than blogging -as energy for QT is part of the point of this whole exercise!
A quick overview of where we are going into night #11 of our attempt at sleep - as I indicated it's been a mixed bag, but mostly going well.  Tiger is definitely making progress in his sleeping and I'm finally getting many successive nights where I don't have to nurse between his bedtime and about 4AM.  This is having hugely positive effects on mine and my family's life, but more about that in a moment.  Tiger got a cold a few days ago (AGAIN) and I thought "uh-oh, now we're sunk." But as Gilda Radner used to say (and DH says it too but I don't think he knows the Gilda Radner connection), "It's always something." It's an illness or teething or gas and we need to find the balance between being responsive to Tiger's needs and helping Tiger learn to sleep and self soothe even during times of discomfort.  We had one bad night where Tiger was up a lot and wouldn't stay in the crib after an initial 3 or 4 hours after being put down.  It was an old school kind of night - in the bed nursing a dozen times draining me and leaving me in tears by 5 AM when DH got up for work.  I was so zonked the next day it made me wonder how I have been doing this for nearly 14 months straight? I worried we had back tracked too much, but after that one night, Tiger began feeling better and has gone back to having better nights. 
5 nights straight, he went down on his own in his crib with no crying and talked to himself  and drank his bottle until he was asleep.  The last couple of nights, there's been some crying but not the top of lungs devastated type we have heard in the past and it's been fairly short-lived - as DH puts it a "protest cry."  He knows the drill now.  He even asks to get into his "ba" right after bath (this specific "ba" means "bed" as opposed to the "baaa" for what a sheep says or the "ba!" for "bus" - only me and DH can distinguish the subtle differences).  This morning, I brought his teddys out of the crib for him to play with and he hugged them and then sat on the floor having a very clear cheerful conversation with them about "ba." He even asks occasionally to go "uppy" in his "ba" to play.  A big difference from a month or so ago when he acted like his crib contained kryptonite!
As for the overnights, he has been waking once about 6 hours in (this is way longer than he was sleeping before we started this latest endeavor), and putting himself back to sleep without a word from us about 3-5 minutes after he wakes (light, intermittent crying).  He then wakes routinely at 4AM (always been the witching hour for him).  Usually, if he's teething, he needs a second dose of ibuprofen at that point.  And we've learned that if we try and get him to self soothe at that hour, he'll just cry until 5 AM when I pick him up to nurse.  So, I've adjusted my earliest allowable time for nursing to 4AM for now and that's the point when I take him in our bed, nurse him, and he usually sleeps until 7.
So, all this is good.  We're making headway.  Tiger is getting more sleep (11 1/2 hours last night) and is way more cheerful because of it.  I feel human most days now and have a lot more energy to deal with everything, including Tiger's needs during the waking hours and (gasp!) actually giving some much deserved energy and attention to DH.  Tiger has gotten a 6 -6 1/2 hour stretch of sleep every night except for that one difficult night for 5 or 6 nights in a row (plus that one amazing 8 1/2 hour night).  He's routinely putting himself back to sleep for that overnight wake up.  The early morning hours are still tough, but we'll get there and for now, I can handle waking at that time to nurse and have him in our bed.  Weekend days, he is still nursing a lot and almost exclusively for comfort.  He's got eye teeth coming and isn't taking it lightly.  It's tough on me physically and emotionally but knowing I don't have to do that level of nursing overnight really helps. 
I also feel Tiger is really starting to understand the importance of sleep - what it means to feel tired vs. rested and how sleep fits into the equation.  I feel like we've found a good middle path for now - still having him in the crib in our room and bringing him into our bed in the early morning hours.  It took a long time and a lot of different "methods" but we are working with something we cobbled together that works for our family.
I also really feel that waiting until just after the 1 year mark when cognitively, Tiger is able to understand what's going on and we can explain to him the changes taking place and why they're happening, was the kindest and most beneficial way of doing this.  Even if he doesn't like it, he understands it so the fear factor is not present.  The prior attempts were too early - he couldn't understand so the fear was still present and that's why it felt so wrong.  For me, I just think that the "cry it out" methods when babies are still infants are just cruel and don't necessarily work in that I'm not sure it teaches a baby positive associations with sleep.  I know there's research on both sides of this issue - and most of the research I have found in the past year does not support cry it out anymore.  However, I'm speaking more from my experience, what I've witnessed with many of my friends, and what feels right in my "mom gut" (I just made that up but I'm sure you mom's know what I mean!)
So, I hope to move onto some other topics in this blog going forward, but sleep will I'm sure be an issue that surfaces again.  After 1+ year of struggling with this issue, I can safely say it is the most important issue that DH and I have had to deal with as parents.  It has been the number one source of tension and dispute in our household.  Now that I have a little bit of a clearer brain, I can look back and say I'm not sure I would do things any differently, but I am glad we decided to tackle this issue once again.  I am so thankful for all the fellow moms I talk to on this issue - we've been sharing our sleep successes and failures throughout the year and their support, advice and commiseration has been and continues to be invaluable. 
What role does sleep play in your life and your family's life? Do you think it's important and why?

Night #5 - the other shoe

“Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.” ― Pema Chodron
Hope and fear, hope and fear.  Having had a great night for night #4, I entered night #5 wondering if our good luck would continue or if the dreaded other shoe would drop.  I decided not to expect too much so that I wouldn't be disappointed.  However, when Tiger went down in his crib on his own with only a bottle and put himself to sleep without crying and with DH and I downstairs listening on the monitor - I allowed myself to visit Hope Town (Hope Ville? The Leaning Tower of Hope?).  DH and I actually high-fived and said happily "we did it!" You parents know what comes next - unfulfilled expectations once again and the inevitable anger, frustration and disappointment (not to mention blame).
DH and I had a lovely night after Tiger went to sleep.  I blogged, he worked on his PhD.  Then we spent some much needed QT on the couch.  We were in bed in our room by 10:45.  At midnight, 2 1/2 hours after he'd gone to sleep so quietly and happily, Tiger woke up. DH got up to verbally comfort him and give him his bottle and I stayed still, playing dead.  After 3 minutes of some pretty serious crying, Tiger fell silent.  Just like a switch had gone off and he fell back to sleep.  I mentally congratulated us and him again for such a good job! We've got this, no problem! Sleep was short-lived, however.  Between 12:30 and 1:00 Tiger would fall asleep for a few minutes, then wake up crying, put himself back to sleep and start all over again.  Finally, around 1:30 he really tucked in for a good cry.  I got up and checked him - his bottle had spilled and his shirt was a bit wet and cold so I held him and talked to him while DH got him a new shirt.  Then I took him in the bed explaining we were just going to lay down, but milkies had gone night-night.  That went over like a lead balloon.  Definitely not my best move. 
I changed his shirt and then put him back in the crib.  He went ballistic.  I left the room and went back down to the couch playing movie trivia again and listening for the crying to subside.  By 2:00, it had.  DH texted me to wait a few minutes and come up.  Did I ever mention we live in a beautiful 100+ year old arts and crafts home? Lots of woodwork.  Hardwood floors.  Hardwood stairs.  100+ year old wood creaks. A lot. We spend a lot of time tip-toeing up and down those stairs, trying to find places where they don't creak.  Well, by the time I had tried to slowly creep up the stairs, Tiger had heard me, woken up and was in full temper tantrum.  I was so tired by this point and DH and I had agreed if Tiger hadn't stopped by 2:15 (one hour mark), I would nurse him.  So, I went in the room declaring "I give up." DH was having none of it and we had a not so nice exchange in the hallway like you do when it's 2:15AM and neither of you has slept and the baby is wailing.  It ended this way - I went in the room and took Tiger in bed to nurse and get some sleep (we both had work in the morning so at this point sleep was necessary) and DH went in the guest bedroom to sleep - too frustrated to sleep in the bedroom, I suppose.
It took almost an hour for Tiger to get to sleep.  He nursed a bit and kept rolling over falling asleep for a few minutes, then waking up sitting bolt upright in bed crying.  He had his hands up by his mouth and I recognized this - teething! At around 3, I turned on the light and fumbled to give him ibuprofen which he took willingly - a sure sign his teeth were hurting.  We then had a couple moments of cuteness where he realized his pyjama pants had dinosaurs on them and his shirt had a dog on it.   He was intrigued and wanted to talk about this.  So we talked about these important matters for a few minutes before laying back down.  He fell asleep by 3:15 nestled next to me after a couple of countdowns from nursing and slept until 7:00, waking maybe one additional time, I'm not sure.  I tried to keep him in bed longer by nursing (I go to work a little later on Wednesdays and could have used extra sleep), but when he heard a bus go by outside, he sat straight up and exclaimed happily "Ba!" (his word for "bus).  Game over. He was awake and happy. 
He climbed off the bed and do you know where he went? Straight over to his crib where he asked to go "uppy." In his crib, he happily grabbed his bottle, chatted with his teddys, and watched the fish on the crib soother.  You've got to be kidding me, kid.  NOW you want to hang out in your crib? I took a picture of him standing in the crib grinning and texted it to DH with the caption "he's torturing me."
Of course, I know that's not true.  He's just being a kid.  And it's probably a good sign that the first thing he wanted to do this morning was hang out in his crib.  He rarely wants to do that.  But, I'm tired and not at my best.  This morning I explained to Tiger that I wasn't happy how things had gone last night, but that I knew he was in pain and was trying to tell us.  In retrospect, DH and I agreed if we'd given him ibuprofen at midnight, we probably all would have slept a good portion of the night and I wouldn't have had to nurse so early.  So from now on, when in doubt, humphries and ibuprofen! Honestly, though, we both believe Tiger needs to learn to be OK being in his bed and not nursing during these times of discomfort.  He tends to go straight for the boob whenever he gets a little scrape or is in an unfamiliar situation.  I have nursed him in this way and been OK with it for a long time, but I'm tiring of it and am trying to find a balance.
What is a balance you have struck in this regard? Does it work for you or are you trying to find a different way?
Tonight is a new night and we will begin again.   Hope and fear continue to be obstacles on this parenting path - I will continue to try and be aware when I am coming from those places as it makes me less able to be with my son and what he is presenting. 

Night #4 - hello sleep, my old friend

It was nothing short of amazing. We approached night #4 expecting more crying, my pillow and blanket were ready and waiting on the couch. A late nap (that one in the car until 4:50) meant bedtime was delayed a bit but by 8:00 DH had tiger in his crib. I went downstairs to do work. DH put Tiger in his crib and gave him the bottle. He sat drinking it for a bit. I heard hom talking for a while (babble babble) then he laid down and flopped around getting comfortable. He was asleep by 8:30! A few cries but really no crying. But that wasn't the best part. I went to bed at 10:30 fully expecting to end up on the couch when Tiger woke. At one point- maybe midnight or so- Tiger woke up and cried a little bit but softly, more whining then crying. I let it go to see what would happen and within 2 minutes, he was back to sleep. The next time I woke up, Tiger was up standing in his crib crying for real. I grumbled, I was so tired I assumed it was only 2 or 3 in the morning.
It was then I felt my left boob - ol' lefty is my overproducer. Has always given more milk than it's smaller right counterpart. Tiger had nursed a lot less during the day and had gone 4 1/2 hours at the end of the day skipping his 4:30 feeding (when I usually get home from work). It was a holiday so I'd spent all day with him, but he'd nursed less and been less clingy than usual. He hadn't fully nursed at bedtime either so I had hand expressed lefty before bed knowing I was headed for trouble (bad weekend to forget my pump at work!). Anyway, I felt my boob and it was HUGE. Like Dolly Parton huge! And hard as a rock! Boob Emergency! I looked at the clock and...it was 5am!!! He'd done it! Slept 8 1/2 hours! I quickly picked Tiger up praising him for sleeping so long and he latched into lefty drinking loudly. It took a good 10 minutes, but he saved me from the perils of mastitis and nursed another 5-10 on the right. DH woke up and looked at the time "did he just sleep through the night?" DH asked. "yes!!" DH praised Tiger too. We laid down in bed and Tiger rolled into me snuggling but not nursing and fell asleep! A true joy - my heart soared. Just snuggling, his little hand wrapped around my arm. A week ago, hell, a few nights ago he couldn't be that close without nursing.
I went to pee and when I came back, starfish baby had taken over my side of the bed. Instead of just scooting him over, I got greedy and tried to put him back in the crib. No dice. He cried and stood up. So I took him back in bed and told him it was ok, he'd slept through the night so he could spend the morning in bed. He nursed and we had a little tussle when I did the countdown and detached him, but eventually he rolled over and slept until 7:20. I was up getting ready when he called for help climbing out of bed. He was beaming. I praised him again for sleeping all night without nursing and told him what a big boy he was. Grinning, he said "I did it!". Yes, Tiger, you did it. We all did.

Cautiously optimistic - kinda

I meant to blog last night but I was too exhausted. Our nightweaning continues with some successes and some obstacles, but the short story is that Tiger hasn't nursed between being put down to bed and 4:30 or 5am the last two nights. Oh sure, he's not happy about it and certainly lets us know that, but we're all getting by and during the days he's happy as can be, maybe even happier. A little bit less clingy too. I think me and DH are getting less sleep than Tiger through this process and we're back to work tomorrow- why are these things so hard? Whine whine.
Trying to find a sleep plan that works for our family and our parenting style has really proved a challenge, but we've cobbled together something that seems to be gradually working. Although I'm exhausted still from lack if sleep, my body feels so much better and stronger because I'm not nursing all night. And I'm already starting to like nursing again, instead of feeling burdened by it. I think my nursing relationship with Tiger will be better because of nightweaning and we'll be able to go on nursing for a while longer. Huge relief!
Anyway, night #2 was a mixed bag. Tiger cried 40 minutes when DH put him down, asked for a bottle (goat's milk) and then slept 5 hours (huzzah!). DH and I slept in the guest bedroom, but I didn't sleep at all. Bed was too small, but mostly I was too anxious waiting for Tiger to wake. When he did, DH went in and laid by the crib. 1 1/2 hours of crying and then intermittently crying and sleeping and Tiger drifted off for 2 1/2 hours. This anxious guilt-ridden momma played movie trivia on her iPhone and watched the clock in the other room. I finally slept when Tiger did and when he awoke, it was 5 and DH and I agreed, ok to nurse. I was bursting anyway. I nursed him a good 20 minutes and we both slept in our bed until 7:30. The next day, besides a hoarse voice, Tiger showed no signs of trauma or anger. DH and I dragged ass all day. I was dreading that night.
Night #3 went even better. Tiger took 2 great naps during the day (rare for him), so he went down a bit late. He was crying hard when DH put him down and we thought we were in for a long night. But, then I heard Tiger speaking, demanding something. Turned out, he wanted a "baba" so I brought up the warm goat's milk. By the time I got back downstairs, there was silence. I was confused. Had he keeled over from anger and stress? DH came down and it turned out once Tiger was given his baba, he sat down in his crib, took a couple sips and laid down to sleep. Huh. Was the milk poisoned? No, seriously. Was he breathing? What the hell had happened? DH and I snuggled on the couch, too tired to do much else, watching a movie.
I went to bed in our room around 10:30 and Tiger woke up at midnight. Off to the couch with me while DH comforted. 10 mins later all was silent and I got a text from DH that Tiger was asleep. I woke up at 4am on the couch to round 2. DH told me later that Tiger had been in and out of sleep during those hours, but I hadn't heard. By the time I got up there, it was 4:30 and DH was wrecked so I nursed tiger (bursting again) sitting on the edge of the bed then put him in his crib. He clung to me with his crazy strong legs and arms, trying to climb up and over me screaming. He did not want that crib but I made myself put him down. I then went back to the couch to wait what I was sure would be an hour. Less than 5 minutes later, I got the all clear text and headed back to our bed. We slept until 7:00 when I heard Tiger get up- he was standing in his crib looking at me, not crying. We nursed and got up for the day while DH made up for lost sleep.
So, definitely not the long stretches we're hoping for but better than I'd feared. DH and I have talked a lot and decided not to move Tiger's crib to his own room just yet- seems like a lot of big change at once. However, it's hard because for now it seems I need to be out of the room a lot or Tiger wakes and won't go back down. We're fumbling with this part- any suggestions?
I'm still tired and as I write this Tiger is doing a second nap in the parked car in the grocery store parking lot. DH has class tonight so he'll get home just in time for stories and to put baby down. I'm hoping for more rest tonight or it's going to be a long work week! But we've committed to 10 days and I am really enjoying not nursing at night so I'm going to stick with it. The crying sucks, but with DH in the room as Tiger cries, I'm not feeling like it's taking a toll on him emotionally. It's hard to tell but my mommy gut tells me it's OK. Honestly, Tiger's been giving me more hugs and kisses (without pawing at my boobs) these last couple of days. It's lovely. We're talking to Tiger a lot about what's going on too and he's understanding. Hopefully, putting all this in writing will help me stay the course when I'm exhausted and tender hearted in the middle of the night!
Thoughts? Suggestions?

Maiden post - the trouble with sleeping

I am not into blogging.  I don't regularly follow any blogs (except for Crappy Pictures - I love that blog and my dear friend's amazing Parenting as Path blog), nor do I take bloggers very seriously.  But, here I am "blogging." I feel like that should not be a verb.  I am very conflicted over this whole endeavor, but I was talking to my husband about my desire to collect birth stories and publish a book about them, as well as my passion for natural birth and supporting women during birth (be it natural or otherwise), and he suggested I start a blog.  So, here I am, trying.  We'll see how it goes.
Just dipping my toes in - here is a little about me.  I am a first time mom to a 14 month old boy (let's call him "Tiger" since he was born in the Year of the Tiger).  I gave birth naturally without pain meds as desired in a small midwife model hospital here in upstate NY where I live.  I had a doula/monitrice with me by my side.  I will post my birth story at a later date.  My full-time job is as an attorney, but my passion and love lies in the area of birthing.  I am currently a "doula-in-training," have taken a training weekend sponsored by CAPPA, and am working on getting my first birth under my belt.  I am a writer (although it's been years since I published anything), a lover of music, an attachment parent with other philosophies thrown in as fits the needs of our family, a baby wearer, a cloth diaper user, am breastfeeding my toddler, and am a Buddhist in the Shambhala lineage, among other labels.  So, that's a little snapshot of me.  That said, I'll dive right into our current struggle - the struggle of the last year - sleep. 
Our 14 month old has never been a good sleeper.  He doesn't like to nap - a couple times a week he only takes 1/2 hour nap for the whole day.  And at night, he has NEVER "slept through the night."  Every so often, he does sleep somewhere in the 5-7 hour range in one chunk, but never has he slept beyond that without waking.  When he wakes, he wants to nurse.  He is still getting up every 2-3 hours to nurse every night, which, at his age, is a lot.  Or so I hear and read.  Either way, it's a lot for me.  I'm starting to resent it and as Dr. Sears says - "if you resent it, change it!" Anyway, this sleep issue is a huge burden not only on me (I'm chronically exhausted), but on my husband and on my son.  Tiger is a really cheerful, loving kid, who's developmentally ahead of the game, but he's also tired.  And when he does get a good nap in (1 1/2-2 hours) we see how much of a positive effect it has on him.  We have tried plenty of "plans."  No-Cry Sleep Solution, Sleepeasy Solution, and our latest, Dr. Jay Gordon's plan for the family bed.  Right now, this is our big challenge - trying to nightwean Tiger (who is very unwilling) and get our family the sleep it so desperately needs. 
 I was inspired to start this latest attempt by a blog that a fellow mom turned me on to (even though I said I don't follow blogs, this is a good one) - The Leaky Boob.  I'm sure many of you breastfeeding moms out there know our good friend Jess at TLB.  Anyway, she has had similar sleep travails to what my family is dealing with and blogged with humor and touching honesty about successfully nightweaning her 18 month old daughter using Dr. Gordon's plan.  So, DH and I decided it was time to try again, after many failed prior attempts, to nightwean Tiger.  Tiger does not take milk anymore during the days I'm at work - most days anyway.  Maybe once a week he as a couple of ounces if he's having a tough day or refusing all other liquids.  I nurse on request during weekends and nights.  Anyway, the nights are killing me so we (ok, DH) came up with a really thoughtful plan, typed it up and gave it to me to read and contemplate.  We decided to try this weekend because it's a 3-day weekend so we figured the first few sleepless nights won't be as bad since we don't have to work the next morning.  The plan we agreed upon is a kind of hybrid, but more sleepeasy solution than anything.  Tiger's crib is in our room.  We both agreed it should be moved out.  We also agreed that DH and I would do bedtime routine together (bath, PJ's, stories), then I would nurse, then I would leave and DH would do more stories and put Tiger in his crib awake.  There Tiger would cry with DH lying next to the crib to give verbal comfort until Tiger passed out or we reached the hour mark.  I was to be downstairs out of earshot doing dishes (or upstairs within earshot blogging).  This is the easy part of the plan.  Overnight, DH is to go to Tiger when he wakes and do the same (lie by crib verbally comforting until Tiger sleeps or we reach the hour mark).  Because we hadn't moved the crib out by that first night, I was to sleep in the guest bedroom.
Long story - here is a snapshot of how night one went: Tiger (who has been staying up until 9:30 or 10 during the last week + from his usual bedtime of between 8-8:30 due to molars, travel etc), went down in the crib as planned, cried for 40 minutes, then fell asleep around 8:30.  Rejoycing! DH and I had a heart-to-heart about the plan for the evening, our feelings about it, etc and watched some TV before heading to bed in the guest bedroom.  Tiger slept about 3 1/2 hours before waking.  He then proceeded to cry/scream for 1 hour with DH in the room.  I sat in the guest bedroom in tears, unable to sleep, my heart breaking, feeling like it was just wrong, wrong, wrong.  I decided the plan sucked.  I like Dr. Gordon's plan better (I do).  I re-read the Leaky Boob.  I texted with my husband all of my feelings and told him I was coming in at the hour mark as planned.  At the hour mark, Tiger was still inconsolable so I went in to nurse.  The plan was that he not fall asleep nursing and I put him back in crib and we start again with the crying.  I couldn't do it.  He's my babe and he needed me - or thought he did.  And it was now 1 AM and I hadn't slept at all after many days of not sleeping so, in the bed with me.  DH got mad I broke our agreement and went to sleep in the guest bedroom.  I nursed Tiger but before he fell asleep, I told him I was counting down from 10 and then we would stop nursing and go night-night (I have been doing this with him a lot and it does often work).  That's how it went from 1-7:30 when we got up.  He woke up every 1 1/2-2 hours and we nursed a couple of minutes and I did the countdown.  All but once, he rolled off me and went to sleep before I even started counting down, just hearing me say I was going to do it was enough.  Under Dr. Gordon's plan, this is success for night #1! Under Sleepeasy and my agreed upon plan with DH, utter failure.  Today was tough - we have a large disagreement over how to handle this and DH is sick of me reneging on our agreed upon methods in terms of sleep.  It's night #2 and the crib didn't get moved yet so it's still in our room.  We did bedtime the same as night #1 and Tiger has just fallen asleep after crying for about 40 minutes (have I been typing that long? dear god stop me!)  DH and I will talk plan after he creeps out of the room and meets me downstairs.  It is now 7:45 and the earliest Tiger has gone to bed in weeks (months?) so that's a good thing. 
I will update on how night #2 goes.  I know a few things: (1) Tiger must be nightweaned for the sanity of all involved, (2) Tiger must be nightweaned before we can seriously contemplate having another baby, which we are otherwise ready to do, (3) I don't want to be nursing Tiger more than at bedtime, morning and when I come home from work - and I won't do more than that while pregnant especially since, as natural mom as I am, I have no desire to tandem nurse (but, never say never), (4) I have no willpower to hear my baby cry in the middle of the night - I lose all logic and perspective and become a wild momma bear that must protect and care for my child!, (5) my DH is very very angry at me because I keep backing down from plans and I have to mend fences there, (6) everything is impermanent.  The last one is probably the most important to remember.  This moment is different than the moment before and it's gone.  One day this will all be a foggy memory.
Empathy? Thoughts? Stories to share?