Well, it's been a few days since I updated. I kept meaning to, but we had a couple of tough nights that tired me out and left me laying on the couch useless at night after Tiger went to bed and then we had some good nights and I had enough energy to spend QT with DH after Tiger went to bed and figured that was more important than blogging -as energy for QT is part of the point of this whole exercise!
A quick overview of where we are going into night #11 of our attempt at sleep - as I indicated it's been a mixed bag, but mostly going well. Tiger is definitely making progress in his sleeping and I'm finally getting many successive nights where I don't have to nurse between his bedtime and about 4AM. This is having hugely positive effects on mine and my family's life, but more about that in a moment. Tiger got a cold a few days ago (AGAIN) and I thought "uh-oh, now we're sunk." But as Gilda Radner used to say (and DH says it too but I don't think he knows the Gilda Radner connection), "It's always something." It's an illness or teething or gas and we need to find the balance between being responsive to Tiger's needs and helping Tiger learn to sleep and self soothe even during times of discomfort. We had one bad night where Tiger was up a lot and wouldn't stay in the crib after an initial 3 or 4 hours after being put down. It was an old school kind of night - in the bed nursing a dozen times draining me and leaving me in tears by 5 AM when DH got up for work. I was so zonked the next day it made me wonder how I have been doing this for nearly 14 months straight? I worried we had back tracked too much, but after that one night, Tiger began feeling better and has gone back to having better nights.
5 nights straight, he went down on his own in his crib with no crying and talked to himself and drank his bottle until he was asleep. The last couple of nights, there's been some crying but not the top of lungs devastated type we have heard in the past and it's been fairly short-lived - as DH puts it a "protest cry." He knows the drill now. He even asks to get into his "ba" right after bath (this specific "ba" means "bed" as opposed to the "baaa" for what a sheep says or the "ba!" for "bus" - only me and DH can distinguish the subtle differences). This morning, I brought his teddys out of the crib for him to play with and he hugged them and then sat on the floor having a very clear cheerful conversation with them about "ba." He even asks occasionally to go "uppy" in his "ba" to play. A big difference from a month or so ago when he acted like his crib contained kryptonite!
As for the overnights, he has been waking once about 6 hours in (this is way longer than he was sleeping before we started this latest endeavor), and putting himself back to sleep without a word from us about 3-5 minutes after he wakes (light, intermittent crying). He then wakes routinely at 4AM (always been the witching hour for him). Usually, if he's teething, he needs a second dose of ibuprofen at that point. And we've learned that if we try and get him to self soothe at that hour, he'll just cry until 5 AM when I pick him up to nurse. So, I've adjusted my earliest allowable time for nursing to 4AM for now and that's the point when I take him in our bed, nurse him, and he usually sleeps until 7.
So, all this is good. We're making headway. Tiger is getting more sleep (11 1/2 hours last night) and is way more cheerful because of it. I feel human most days now and have a lot more energy to deal with everything, including Tiger's needs during the waking hours and (gasp!) actually giving some much deserved energy and attention to DH. Tiger has gotten a 6 -6 1/2 hour stretch of sleep every night except for that one difficult night for 5 or 6 nights in a row (plus that one amazing 8 1/2 hour night). He's routinely putting himself back to sleep for that overnight wake up. The early morning hours are still tough, but we'll get there and for now, I can handle waking at that time to nurse and have him in our bed. Weekend days, he is still nursing a lot and almost exclusively for comfort. He's got eye teeth coming and isn't taking it lightly. It's tough on me physically and emotionally but knowing I don't have to do that level of nursing overnight really helps.
I also feel Tiger is really starting to understand the importance of sleep - what it means to feel tired vs. rested and how sleep fits into the equation. I feel like we've found a good middle path for now - still having him in the crib in our room and bringing him into our bed in the early morning hours. It took a long time and a lot of different "methods" but we are working with something we cobbled together that works for our family.
I also really feel that waiting until just after the 1 year mark when cognitively, Tiger is able to understand what's going on and we can explain to him the changes taking place and why they're happening, was the kindest and most beneficial way of doing this. Even if he doesn't like it, he understands it so the fear factor is not present. The prior attempts were too early - he couldn't understand so the fear was still present and that's why it felt so wrong. For me, I just think that the "cry it out" methods when babies are still infants are just cruel and don't necessarily work in that I'm not sure it teaches a baby positive associations with sleep. I know there's research on both sides of this issue - and most of the research I have found in the past year does not support cry it out anymore. However, I'm speaking more from my experience, what I've witnessed with many of my friends, and what feels right in my "mom gut" (I just made that up but I'm sure you mom's know what I mean!)
So, I hope to move onto some other topics in this blog going forward, but sleep will I'm sure be an issue that surfaces again. After 1+ year of struggling with this issue, I can safely say it is the most important issue that DH and I have had to deal with as parents. It has been the number one source of tension and dispute in our household. Now that I have a little bit of a clearer brain, I can look back and say I'm not sure I would do things any differently, but I am glad we decided to tackle this issue once again. I am so thankful for all the fellow moms I talk to on this issue - we've been sharing our sleep successes and failures throughout the year and their support, advice and commiseration has been and continues to be invaluable.
What role does sleep play in your life and your family's life? Do you think it's important and why?
October 17, 2011
October 12, 2011
Night #5 - the other shoe
“Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.” ― Pema Chodron
Hope and fear, hope and fear. Having had a great night for night #4, I entered night #5 wondering if our good luck would continue or if the dreaded other shoe would drop. I decided not to expect too much so that I wouldn't be disappointed. However, when Tiger went down in his crib on his own with only a bottle and put himself to sleep without crying and with DH and I downstairs listening on the monitor - I allowed myself to visit Hope Town (Hope Ville? The Leaning Tower of Hope?). DH and I actually high-fived and said happily "we did it!" You parents know what comes next - unfulfilled expectations once again and the inevitable anger, frustration and disappointment (not to mention blame).
DH and I had a lovely night after Tiger went to sleep. I blogged, he worked on his PhD. Then we spent some much needed QT on the couch. We were in bed in our room by 10:45. At midnight, 2 1/2 hours after he'd gone to sleep so quietly and happily, Tiger woke up. DH got up to verbally comfort him and give him his bottle and I stayed still, playing dead. After 3 minutes of some pretty serious crying, Tiger fell silent. Just like a switch had gone off and he fell back to sleep. I mentally congratulated us and him again for such a good job! We've got this, no problem! Sleep was short-lived, however. Between 12:30 and 1:00 Tiger would fall asleep for a few minutes, then wake up crying, put himself back to sleep and start all over again. Finally, around 1:30 he really tucked in for a good cry. I got up and checked him - his bottle had spilled and his shirt was a bit wet and cold so I held him and talked to him while DH got him a new shirt. Then I took him in the bed explaining we were just going to lay down, but milkies had gone night-night. That went over like a lead balloon. Definitely not my best move.
I changed his shirt and then put him back in the crib. He went ballistic. I left the room and went back down to the couch playing movie trivia again and listening for the crying to subside. By 2:00, it had. DH texted me to wait a few minutes and come up. Did I ever mention we live in a beautiful 100+ year old arts and crafts home? Lots of woodwork. Hardwood floors. Hardwood stairs. 100+ year old wood creaks. A lot. We spend a lot of time tip-toeing up and down those stairs, trying to find places where they don't creak. Well, by the time I had tried to slowly creep up the stairs, Tiger had heard me, woken up and was in full temper tantrum. I was so tired by this point and DH and I had agreed if Tiger hadn't stopped by 2:15 (one hour mark), I would nurse him. So, I went in the room declaring "I give up." DH was having none of it and we had a not so nice exchange in the hallway like you do when it's 2:15AM and neither of you has slept and the baby is wailing. It ended this way - I went in the room and took Tiger in bed to nurse and get some sleep (we both had work in the morning so at this point sleep was necessary) and DH went in the guest bedroom to sleep - too frustrated to sleep in the bedroom, I suppose.
It took almost an hour for Tiger to get to sleep. He nursed a bit and kept rolling over falling asleep for a few minutes, then waking up sitting bolt upright in bed crying. He had his hands up by his mouth and I recognized this - teething! At around 3, I turned on the light and fumbled to give him ibuprofen which he took willingly - a sure sign his teeth were hurting. We then had a couple moments of cuteness where he realized his pyjama pants had dinosaurs on them and his shirt had a dog on it. He was intrigued and wanted to talk about this. So we talked about these important matters for a few minutes before laying back down. He fell asleep by 3:15 nestled next to me after a couple of countdowns from nursing and slept until 7:00, waking maybe one additional time, I'm not sure. I tried to keep him in bed longer by nursing (I go to work a little later on Wednesdays and could have used extra sleep), but when he heard a bus go by outside, he sat straight up and exclaimed happily "Ba!" (his word for "bus). Game over. He was awake and happy.
He climbed off the bed and do you know where he went? Straight over to his crib where he asked to go "uppy." In his crib, he happily grabbed his bottle, chatted with his teddys, and watched the fish on the crib soother. You've got to be kidding me, kid. NOW you want to hang out in your crib? I took a picture of him standing in the crib grinning and texted it to DH with the caption "he's torturing me."
Of course, I know that's not true. He's just being a kid. And it's probably a good sign that the first thing he wanted to do this morning was hang out in his crib. He rarely wants to do that. But, I'm tired and not at my best. This morning I explained to Tiger that I wasn't happy how things had gone last night, but that I knew he was in pain and was trying to tell us. In retrospect, DH and I agreed if we'd given him ibuprofen at midnight, we probably all would have slept a good portion of the night and I wouldn't have had to nurse so early. So from now on, when in doubt, humphries and ibuprofen! Honestly, though, we both believe Tiger needs to learn to be OK being in his bed and not nursing during these times of discomfort. He tends to go straight for the boob whenever he gets a little scrape or is in an unfamiliar situation. I have nursed him in this way and been OK with it for a long time, but I'm tiring of it and am trying to find a balance.
What is a balance you have struck in this regard? Does it work for you or are you trying to find a different way?
Tonight is a new night and we will begin again. Hope and fear continue to be obstacles on this parenting path - I will continue to try and be aware when I am coming from those places as it makes me less able to be with my son and what he is presenting.
Hope and fear, hope and fear. Having had a great night for night #4, I entered night #5 wondering if our good luck would continue or if the dreaded other shoe would drop. I decided not to expect too much so that I wouldn't be disappointed. However, when Tiger went down in his crib on his own with only a bottle and put himself to sleep without crying and with DH and I downstairs listening on the monitor - I allowed myself to visit Hope Town (Hope Ville? The Leaning Tower of Hope?). DH and I actually high-fived and said happily "we did it!" You parents know what comes next - unfulfilled expectations once again and the inevitable anger, frustration and disappointment (not to mention blame).
DH and I had a lovely night after Tiger went to sleep. I blogged, he worked on his PhD. Then we spent some much needed QT on the couch. We were in bed in our room by 10:45. At midnight, 2 1/2 hours after he'd gone to sleep so quietly and happily, Tiger woke up. DH got up to verbally comfort him and give him his bottle and I stayed still, playing dead. After 3 minutes of some pretty serious crying, Tiger fell silent. Just like a switch had gone off and he fell back to sleep. I mentally congratulated us and him again for such a good job! We've got this, no problem! Sleep was short-lived, however. Between 12:30 and 1:00 Tiger would fall asleep for a few minutes, then wake up crying, put himself back to sleep and start all over again. Finally, around 1:30 he really tucked in for a good cry. I got up and checked him - his bottle had spilled and his shirt was a bit wet and cold so I held him and talked to him while DH got him a new shirt. Then I took him in the bed explaining we were just going to lay down, but milkies had gone night-night. That went over like a lead balloon. Definitely not my best move.
I changed his shirt and then put him back in the crib. He went ballistic. I left the room and went back down to the couch playing movie trivia again and listening for the crying to subside. By 2:00, it had. DH texted me to wait a few minutes and come up. Did I ever mention we live in a beautiful 100+ year old arts and crafts home? Lots of woodwork. Hardwood floors. Hardwood stairs. 100+ year old wood creaks. A lot. We spend a lot of time tip-toeing up and down those stairs, trying to find places where they don't creak. Well, by the time I had tried to slowly creep up the stairs, Tiger had heard me, woken up and was in full temper tantrum. I was so tired by this point and DH and I had agreed if Tiger hadn't stopped by 2:15 (one hour mark), I would nurse him. So, I went in the room declaring "I give up." DH was having none of it and we had a not so nice exchange in the hallway like you do when it's 2:15AM and neither of you has slept and the baby is wailing. It ended this way - I went in the room and took Tiger in bed to nurse and get some sleep (we both had work in the morning so at this point sleep was necessary) and DH went in the guest bedroom to sleep - too frustrated to sleep in the bedroom, I suppose.
It took almost an hour for Tiger to get to sleep. He nursed a bit and kept rolling over falling asleep for a few minutes, then waking up sitting bolt upright in bed crying. He had his hands up by his mouth and I recognized this - teething! At around 3, I turned on the light and fumbled to give him ibuprofen which he took willingly - a sure sign his teeth were hurting. We then had a couple moments of cuteness where he realized his pyjama pants had dinosaurs on them and his shirt had a dog on it. He was intrigued and wanted to talk about this. So we talked about these important matters for a few minutes before laying back down. He fell asleep by 3:15 nestled next to me after a couple of countdowns from nursing and slept until 7:00, waking maybe one additional time, I'm not sure. I tried to keep him in bed longer by nursing (I go to work a little later on Wednesdays and could have used extra sleep), but when he heard a bus go by outside, he sat straight up and exclaimed happily "Ba!" (his word for "bus). Game over. He was awake and happy.
He climbed off the bed and do you know where he went? Straight over to his crib where he asked to go "uppy." In his crib, he happily grabbed his bottle, chatted with his teddys, and watched the fish on the crib soother. You've got to be kidding me, kid. NOW you want to hang out in your crib? I took a picture of him standing in the crib grinning and texted it to DH with the caption "he's torturing me."
Of course, I know that's not true. He's just being a kid. And it's probably a good sign that the first thing he wanted to do this morning was hang out in his crib. He rarely wants to do that. But, I'm tired and not at my best. This morning I explained to Tiger that I wasn't happy how things had gone last night, but that I knew he was in pain and was trying to tell us. In retrospect, DH and I agreed if we'd given him ibuprofen at midnight, we probably all would have slept a good portion of the night and I wouldn't have had to nurse so early. So from now on, when in doubt, humphries and ibuprofen! Honestly, though, we both believe Tiger needs to learn to be OK being in his bed and not nursing during these times of discomfort. He tends to go straight for the boob whenever he gets a little scrape or is in an unfamiliar situation. I have nursed him in this way and been OK with it for a long time, but I'm tiring of it and am trying to find a balance.
What is a balance you have struck in this regard? Does it work for you or are you trying to find a different way?
Tonight is a new night and we will begin again. Hope and fear continue to be obstacles on this parenting path - I will continue to try and be aware when I am coming from those places as it makes me less able to be with my son and what he is presenting.
October 11, 2011
Night #4 - hello sleep, my old friend
It was nothing short of amazing. We approached night #4 expecting more crying, my pillow and blanket were ready and waiting on the couch. A late nap (that one in the car until 4:50) meant bedtime was delayed a bit but by 8:00 DH had tiger in his crib. I went downstairs to do work. DH put Tiger in his crib and gave him the bottle. He sat drinking it for a bit. I heard hom talking for a while (babble babble) then he laid down and flopped around getting comfortable. He was asleep by 8:30! A few cries but really no crying. But that wasn't the best part. I went to bed at 10:30 fully expecting to end up on the couch when Tiger woke. At one point- maybe midnight or so- Tiger woke up and cried a little bit but softly, more whining then crying. I let it go to see what would happen and within 2 minutes, he was back to sleep. The next time I woke up, Tiger was up standing in his crib crying for real. I grumbled, I was so tired I assumed it was only 2 or 3 in the morning.
It was then I felt my left boob - ol' lefty is my overproducer. Has always given more milk than it's smaller right counterpart. Tiger had nursed a lot less during the day and had gone 4 1/2 hours at the end of the day skipping his 4:30 feeding (when I usually get home from work). It was a holiday so I'd spent all day with him, but he'd nursed less and been less clingy than usual. He hadn't fully nursed at bedtime either so I had hand expressed lefty before bed knowing I was headed for trouble (bad weekend to forget my pump at work!). Anyway, I felt my boob and it was HUGE. Like Dolly Parton huge! And hard as a rock! Boob Emergency! I looked at the clock and...it was 5am!!! He'd done it! Slept 8 1/2 hours! I quickly picked Tiger up praising him for sleeping so long and he latched into lefty drinking loudly. It took a good 10 minutes, but he saved me from the perils of mastitis and nursed another 5-10 on the right. DH woke up and looked at the time "did he just sleep through the night?" DH asked. "yes!!" DH praised Tiger too. We laid down in bed and Tiger rolled into me snuggling but not nursing and fell asleep! A true joy - my heart soared. Just snuggling, his little hand wrapped around my arm. A week ago, hell, a few nights ago he couldn't be that close without nursing.
I went to pee and when I came back, starfish baby had taken over my side of the bed. Instead of just scooting him over, I got greedy and tried to put him back in the crib. No dice. He cried and stood up. So I took him back in bed and told him it was ok, he'd slept through the night so he could spend the morning in bed. He nursed and we had a little tussle when I did the countdown and detached him, but eventually he rolled over and slept until 7:20. I was up getting ready when he called for help climbing out of bed. He was beaming. I praised him again for sleeping all night without nursing and told him what a big boy he was. Grinning, he said "I did it!". Yes, Tiger, you did it. We all did.
It was then I felt my left boob - ol' lefty is my overproducer. Has always given more milk than it's smaller right counterpart. Tiger had nursed a lot less during the day and had gone 4 1/2 hours at the end of the day skipping his 4:30 feeding (when I usually get home from work). It was a holiday so I'd spent all day with him, but he'd nursed less and been less clingy than usual. He hadn't fully nursed at bedtime either so I had hand expressed lefty before bed knowing I was headed for trouble (bad weekend to forget my pump at work!). Anyway, I felt my boob and it was HUGE. Like Dolly Parton huge! And hard as a rock! Boob Emergency! I looked at the clock and...it was 5am!!! He'd done it! Slept 8 1/2 hours! I quickly picked Tiger up praising him for sleeping so long and he latched into lefty drinking loudly. It took a good 10 minutes, but he saved me from the perils of mastitis and nursed another 5-10 on the right. DH woke up and looked at the time "did he just sleep through the night?" DH asked. "yes!!" DH praised Tiger too. We laid down in bed and Tiger rolled into me snuggling but not nursing and fell asleep! A true joy - my heart soared. Just snuggling, his little hand wrapped around my arm. A week ago, hell, a few nights ago he couldn't be that close without nursing.
I went to pee and when I came back, starfish baby had taken over my side of the bed. Instead of just scooting him over, I got greedy and tried to put him back in the crib. No dice. He cried and stood up. So I took him back in bed and told him it was ok, he'd slept through the night so he could spend the morning in bed. He nursed and we had a little tussle when I did the countdown and detached him, but eventually he rolled over and slept until 7:20. I was up getting ready when he called for help climbing out of bed. He was beaming. I praised him again for sleeping all night without nursing and told him what a big boy he was. Grinning, he said "I did it!". Yes, Tiger, you did it. We all did.
October 10, 2011
Cautiously optimistic - kinda
I meant to blog last night but I was too exhausted. Our nightweaning continues with some successes and some obstacles, but the short story is that Tiger hasn't nursed between being put down to bed and 4:30 or 5am the last two nights. Oh sure, he's not happy about it and certainly lets us know that, but we're all getting by and during the days he's happy as can be, maybe even happier. A little bit less clingy too. I think me and DH are getting less sleep than Tiger through this process and we're back to work tomorrow- why are these things so hard? Whine whine.
Trying to find a sleep plan that works for our family and our parenting style has really proved a challenge, but we've cobbled together something that seems to be gradually working. Although I'm exhausted still from lack if sleep, my body feels so much better and stronger because I'm not nursing all night. And I'm already starting to like nursing again, instead of feeling burdened by it. I think my nursing relationship with Tiger will be better because of nightweaning and we'll be able to go on nursing for a while longer. Huge relief!
Anyway, night #2 was a mixed bag. Tiger cried 40 minutes when DH put him down, asked for a bottle (goat's milk) and then slept 5 hours (huzzah!). DH and I slept in the guest bedroom, but I didn't sleep at all. Bed was too small, but mostly I was too anxious waiting for Tiger to wake. When he did, DH went in and laid by the crib. 1 1/2 hours of crying and then intermittently crying and sleeping and Tiger drifted off for 2 1/2 hours. This anxious guilt-ridden momma played movie trivia on her iPhone and watched the clock in the other room. I finally slept when Tiger did and when he awoke, it was 5 and DH and I agreed, ok to nurse. I was bursting anyway. I nursed him a good 20 minutes and we both slept in our bed until 7:30. The next day, besides a hoarse voice, Tiger showed no signs of trauma or anger. DH and I dragged ass all day. I was dreading that night.
Night #3 went even better. Tiger took 2 great naps during the day (rare for him), so he went down a bit late. He was crying hard when DH put him down and we thought we were in for a long night. But, then I heard Tiger speaking, demanding something. Turned out, he wanted a "baba" so I brought up the warm goat's milk. By the time I got back downstairs, there was silence. I was confused. Had he keeled over from anger and stress? DH came down and it turned out once Tiger was given his baba, he sat down in his crib, took a couple sips and laid down to sleep. Huh. Was the milk poisoned? No, seriously. Was he breathing? What the hell had happened? DH and I snuggled on the couch, too tired to do much else, watching a movie.
I went to bed in our room around 10:30 and Tiger woke up at midnight. Off to the couch with me while DH comforted. 10 mins later all was silent and I got a text from DH that Tiger was asleep. I woke up at 4am on the couch to round 2. DH told me later that Tiger had been in and out of sleep during those hours, but I hadn't heard. By the time I got up there, it was 4:30 and DH was wrecked so I nursed tiger (bursting again) sitting on the edge of the bed then put him in his crib. He clung to me with his crazy strong legs and arms, trying to climb up and over me screaming. He did not want that crib but I made myself put him down. I then went back to the couch to wait what I was sure would be an hour. Less than 5 minutes later, I got the all clear text and headed back to our bed. We slept until 7:00 when I heard Tiger get up- he was standing in his crib looking at me, not crying. We nursed and got up for the day while DH made up for lost sleep.
So, definitely not the long stretches we're hoping for but better than I'd feared. DH and I have talked a lot and decided not to move Tiger's crib to his own room just yet- seems like a lot of big change at once. However, it's hard because for now it seems I need to be out of the room a lot or Tiger wakes and won't go back down. We're fumbling with this part- any suggestions?
I'm still tired and as I write this Tiger is doing a second nap in the parked car in the grocery store parking lot. DH has class tonight so he'll get home just in time for stories and to put baby down. I'm hoping for more rest tonight or it's going to be a long work week! But we've committed to 10 days and I am really enjoying not nursing at night so I'm going to stick with it. The crying sucks, but with DH in the room as Tiger cries, I'm not feeling like it's taking a toll on him emotionally. It's hard to tell but my mommy gut tells me it's OK. Honestly, Tiger's been giving me more hugs and kisses (without pawing at my boobs) these last couple of days. It's lovely. We're talking to Tiger a lot about what's going on too and he's understanding. Hopefully, putting all this in writing will help me stay the course when I'm exhausted and tender hearted in the middle of the night!
Thoughts? Suggestions?
Trying to find a sleep plan that works for our family and our parenting style has really proved a challenge, but we've cobbled together something that seems to be gradually working. Although I'm exhausted still from lack if sleep, my body feels so much better and stronger because I'm not nursing all night. And I'm already starting to like nursing again, instead of feeling burdened by it. I think my nursing relationship with Tiger will be better because of nightweaning and we'll be able to go on nursing for a while longer. Huge relief!
Anyway, night #2 was a mixed bag. Tiger cried 40 minutes when DH put him down, asked for a bottle (goat's milk) and then slept 5 hours (huzzah!). DH and I slept in the guest bedroom, but I didn't sleep at all. Bed was too small, but mostly I was too anxious waiting for Tiger to wake. When he did, DH went in and laid by the crib. 1 1/2 hours of crying and then intermittently crying and sleeping and Tiger drifted off for 2 1/2 hours. This anxious guilt-ridden momma played movie trivia on her iPhone and watched the clock in the other room. I finally slept when Tiger did and when he awoke, it was 5 and DH and I agreed, ok to nurse. I was bursting anyway. I nursed him a good 20 minutes and we both slept in our bed until 7:30. The next day, besides a hoarse voice, Tiger showed no signs of trauma or anger. DH and I dragged ass all day. I was dreading that night.
Night #3 went even better. Tiger took 2 great naps during the day (rare for him), so he went down a bit late. He was crying hard when DH put him down and we thought we were in for a long night. But, then I heard Tiger speaking, demanding something. Turned out, he wanted a "baba" so I brought up the warm goat's milk. By the time I got back downstairs, there was silence. I was confused. Had he keeled over from anger and stress? DH came down and it turned out once Tiger was given his baba, he sat down in his crib, took a couple sips and laid down to sleep. Huh. Was the milk poisoned? No, seriously. Was he breathing? What the hell had happened? DH and I snuggled on the couch, too tired to do much else, watching a movie.
I went to bed in our room around 10:30 and Tiger woke up at midnight. Off to the couch with me while DH comforted. 10 mins later all was silent and I got a text from DH that Tiger was asleep. I woke up at 4am on the couch to round 2. DH told me later that Tiger had been in and out of sleep during those hours, but I hadn't heard. By the time I got up there, it was 4:30 and DH was wrecked so I nursed tiger (bursting again) sitting on the edge of the bed then put him in his crib. He clung to me with his crazy strong legs and arms, trying to climb up and over me screaming. He did not want that crib but I made myself put him down. I then went back to the couch to wait what I was sure would be an hour. Less than 5 minutes later, I got the all clear text and headed back to our bed. We slept until 7:00 when I heard Tiger get up- he was standing in his crib looking at me, not crying. We nursed and got up for the day while DH made up for lost sleep.
So, definitely not the long stretches we're hoping for but better than I'd feared. DH and I have talked a lot and decided not to move Tiger's crib to his own room just yet- seems like a lot of big change at once. However, it's hard because for now it seems I need to be out of the room a lot or Tiger wakes and won't go back down. We're fumbling with this part- any suggestions?
I'm still tired and as I write this Tiger is doing a second nap in the parked car in the grocery store parking lot. DH has class tonight so he'll get home just in time for stories and to put baby down. I'm hoping for more rest tonight or it's going to be a long work week! But we've committed to 10 days and I am really enjoying not nursing at night so I'm going to stick with it. The crying sucks, but with DH in the room as Tiger cries, I'm not feeling like it's taking a toll on him emotionally. It's hard to tell but my mommy gut tells me it's OK. Honestly, Tiger's been giving me more hugs and kisses (without pawing at my boobs) these last couple of days. It's lovely. We're talking to Tiger a lot about what's going on too and he's understanding. Hopefully, putting all this in writing will help me stay the course when I'm exhausted and tender hearted in the middle of the night!
Thoughts? Suggestions?
October 8, 2011
Maiden post - the trouble with sleeping
I am not into blogging. I don't regularly follow any blogs (except for Crappy Pictures - I love that blog and my dear friend's amazing Parenting as Path blog), nor do I take bloggers very seriously. But, here I am "blogging." I feel like that should not be a verb. I am very conflicted over this whole endeavor, but I was talking to my husband about my desire to collect birth stories and publish a book about them, as well as my passion for natural birth and supporting women during birth (be it natural or otherwise), and he suggested I start a blog. So, here I am, trying. We'll see how it goes.
Just dipping my toes in - here is a little about me. I am a first time mom to a 14 month old boy (let's call him "Tiger" since he was born in the Year of the Tiger). I gave birth naturally without pain meds as desired in a small midwife model hospital here in upstate NY where I live. I had a doula/monitrice with me by my side. I will post my birth story at a later date. My full-time job is as an attorney, but my passion and love lies in the area of birthing. I am currently a "doula-in-training," have taken a training weekend sponsored by CAPPA, and am working on getting my first birth under my belt. I am a writer (although it's been years since I published anything), a lover of music, an attachment parent with other philosophies thrown in as fits the needs of our family, a baby wearer, a cloth diaper user, am breastfeeding my toddler, and am a Buddhist in the Shambhala lineage, among other labels. So, that's a little snapshot of me. That said, I'll dive right into our current struggle - the struggle of the last year - sleep.
Our 14 month old has never been a good sleeper. He doesn't like to nap - a couple times a week he only takes 1/2 hour nap for the whole day. And at night, he has NEVER "slept through the night." Every so often, he does sleep somewhere in the 5-7 hour range in one chunk, but never has he slept beyond that without waking. When he wakes, he wants to nurse. He is still getting up every 2-3 hours to nurse every night, which, at his age, is a lot. Or so I hear and read. Either way, it's a lot for me. I'm starting to resent it and as Dr. Sears says - "if you resent it, change it!" Anyway, this sleep issue is a huge burden not only on me (I'm chronically exhausted), but on my husband and on my son. Tiger is a really cheerful, loving kid, who's developmentally ahead of the game, but he's also tired. And when he does get a good nap in (1 1/2-2 hours) we see how much of a positive effect it has on him. We have tried plenty of "plans." No-Cry Sleep Solution, Sleepeasy Solution, and our latest, Dr. Jay Gordon's plan for the family bed. Right now, this is our big challenge - trying to nightwean Tiger (who is very unwilling) and get our family the sleep it so desperately needs.
I was inspired to start this latest attempt by a blog that a fellow mom turned me on to (even though I said I don't follow blogs, this is a good one) - The Leaky Boob. I'm sure many of you breastfeeding moms out there know our good friend Jess at TLB. Anyway, she has had similar sleep travails to what my family is dealing with and blogged with humor and touching honesty about successfully nightweaning her 18 month old daughter using Dr. Gordon's plan. So, DH and I decided it was time to try again, after many failed prior attempts, to nightwean Tiger. Tiger does not take milk anymore during the days I'm at work - most days anyway. Maybe once a week he as a couple of ounces if he's having a tough day or refusing all other liquids. I nurse on request during weekends and nights. Anyway, the nights are killing me so we (ok, DH) came up with a really thoughtful plan, typed it up and gave it to me to read and contemplate. We decided to try this weekend because it's a 3-day weekend so we figured the first few sleepless nights won't be as bad since we don't have to work the next morning. The plan we agreed upon is a kind of hybrid, but more sleepeasy solution than anything. Tiger's crib is in our room. We both agreed it should be moved out. We also agreed that DH and I would do bedtime routine together (bath, PJ's, stories), then I would nurse, then I would leave and DH would do more stories and put Tiger in his crib awake. There Tiger would cry with DH lying next to the crib to give verbal comfort until Tiger passed out or we reached the hour mark. I was to be downstairs out of earshot doing dishes (or upstairs within earshot blogging). This is the easy part of the plan. Overnight, DH is to go to Tiger when he wakes and do the same (lie by crib verbally comforting until Tiger sleeps or we reach the hour mark). Because we hadn't moved the crib out by that first night, I was to sleep in the guest bedroom.
Long story - here is a snapshot of how night one went: Tiger (who has been staying up until 9:30 or 10 during the last week + from his usual bedtime of between 8-8:30 due to molars, travel etc), went down in the crib as planned, cried for 40 minutes, then fell asleep around 8:30. Rejoycing! DH and I had a heart-to-heart about the plan for the evening, our feelings about it, etc and watched some TV before heading to bed in the guest bedroom. Tiger slept about 3 1/2 hours before waking. He then proceeded to cry/scream for 1 hour with DH in the room. I sat in the guest bedroom in tears, unable to sleep, my heart breaking, feeling like it was just wrong, wrong, wrong. I decided the plan sucked. I like Dr. Gordon's plan better (I do). I re-read the Leaky Boob. I texted with my husband all of my feelings and told him I was coming in at the hour mark as planned. At the hour mark, Tiger was still inconsolable so I went in to nurse. The plan was that he not fall asleep nursing and I put him back in crib and we start again with the crying. I couldn't do it. He's my babe and he needed me - or thought he did. And it was now 1 AM and I hadn't slept at all after many days of not sleeping so, in the bed with me. DH got mad I broke our agreement and went to sleep in the guest bedroom. I nursed Tiger but before he fell asleep, I told him I was counting down from 10 and then we would stop nursing and go night-night (I have been doing this with him a lot and it does often work). That's how it went from 1-7:30 when we got up. He woke up every 1 1/2-2 hours and we nursed a couple of minutes and I did the countdown. All but once, he rolled off me and went to sleep before I even started counting down, just hearing me say I was going to do it was enough. Under Dr. Gordon's plan, this is success for night #1! Under Sleepeasy and my agreed upon plan with DH, utter failure. Today was tough - we have a large disagreement over how to handle this and DH is sick of me reneging on our agreed upon methods in terms of sleep. It's night #2 and the crib didn't get moved yet so it's still in our room. We did bedtime the same as night #1 and Tiger has just fallen asleep after crying for about 40 minutes (have I been typing that long? dear god stop me!) DH and I will talk plan after he creeps out of the room and meets me downstairs. It is now 7:45 and the earliest Tiger has gone to bed in weeks (months?) so that's a good thing.
I will update on how night #2 goes. I know a few things: (1) Tiger must be nightweaned for the sanity of all involved, (2) Tiger must be nightweaned before we can seriously contemplate having another baby, which we are otherwise ready to do, (3) I don't want to be nursing Tiger more than at bedtime, morning and when I come home from work - and I won't do more than that while pregnant especially since, as natural mom as I am, I have no desire to tandem nurse (but, never say never), (4) I have no willpower to hear my baby cry in the middle of the night - I lose all logic and perspective and become a wild momma bear that must protect and care for my child!, (5) my DH is very very angry at me because I keep backing down from plans and I have to mend fences there, (6) everything is impermanent. The last one is probably the most important to remember. This moment is different than the moment before and it's gone. One day this will all be a foggy memory.
Empathy? Thoughts? Stories to share?
Just dipping my toes in - here is a little about me. I am a first time mom to a 14 month old boy (let's call him "Tiger" since he was born in the Year of the Tiger). I gave birth naturally without pain meds as desired in a small midwife model hospital here in upstate NY where I live. I had a doula/monitrice with me by my side. I will post my birth story at a later date. My full-time job is as an attorney, but my passion and love lies in the area of birthing. I am currently a "doula-in-training," have taken a training weekend sponsored by CAPPA, and am working on getting my first birth under my belt. I am a writer (although it's been years since I published anything), a lover of music, an attachment parent with other philosophies thrown in as fits the needs of our family, a baby wearer, a cloth diaper user, am breastfeeding my toddler, and am a Buddhist in the Shambhala lineage, among other labels. So, that's a little snapshot of me. That said, I'll dive right into our current struggle - the struggle of the last year - sleep.
Our 14 month old has never been a good sleeper. He doesn't like to nap - a couple times a week he only takes 1/2 hour nap for the whole day. And at night, he has NEVER "slept through the night." Every so often, he does sleep somewhere in the 5-7 hour range in one chunk, but never has he slept beyond that without waking. When he wakes, he wants to nurse. He is still getting up every 2-3 hours to nurse every night, which, at his age, is a lot. Or so I hear and read. Either way, it's a lot for me. I'm starting to resent it and as Dr. Sears says - "if you resent it, change it!" Anyway, this sleep issue is a huge burden not only on me (I'm chronically exhausted), but on my husband and on my son. Tiger is a really cheerful, loving kid, who's developmentally ahead of the game, but he's also tired. And when he does get a good nap in (1 1/2-2 hours) we see how much of a positive effect it has on him. We have tried plenty of "plans." No-Cry Sleep Solution, Sleepeasy Solution, and our latest, Dr. Jay Gordon's plan for the family bed. Right now, this is our big challenge - trying to nightwean Tiger (who is very unwilling) and get our family the sleep it so desperately needs.
I was inspired to start this latest attempt by a blog that a fellow mom turned me on to (even though I said I don't follow blogs, this is a good one) - The Leaky Boob. I'm sure many of you breastfeeding moms out there know our good friend Jess at TLB. Anyway, she has had similar sleep travails to what my family is dealing with and blogged with humor and touching honesty about successfully nightweaning her 18 month old daughter using Dr. Gordon's plan. So, DH and I decided it was time to try again, after many failed prior attempts, to nightwean Tiger. Tiger does not take milk anymore during the days I'm at work - most days anyway. Maybe once a week he as a couple of ounces if he's having a tough day or refusing all other liquids. I nurse on request during weekends and nights. Anyway, the nights are killing me so we (ok, DH) came up with a really thoughtful plan, typed it up and gave it to me to read and contemplate. We decided to try this weekend because it's a 3-day weekend so we figured the first few sleepless nights won't be as bad since we don't have to work the next morning. The plan we agreed upon is a kind of hybrid, but more sleepeasy solution than anything. Tiger's crib is in our room. We both agreed it should be moved out. We also agreed that DH and I would do bedtime routine together (bath, PJ's, stories), then I would nurse, then I would leave and DH would do more stories and put Tiger in his crib awake. There Tiger would cry with DH lying next to the crib to give verbal comfort until Tiger passed out or we reached the hour mark. I was to be downstairs out of earshot doing dishes (or upstairs within earshot blogging). This is the easy part of the plan. Overnight, DH is to go to Tiger when he wakes and do the same (lie by crib verbally comforting until Tiger sleeps or we reach the hour mark). Because we hadn't moved the crib out by that first night, I was to sleep in the guest bedroom.
Long story - here is a snapshot of how night one went: Tiger (who has been staying up until 9:30 or 10 during the last week + from his usual bedtime of between 8-8:30 due to molars, travel etc), went down in the crib as planned, cried for 40 minutes, then fell asleep around 8:30. Rejoycing! DH and I had a heart-to-heart about the plan for the evening, our feelings about it, etc and watched some TV before heading to bed in the guest bedroom. Tiger slept about 3 1/2 hours before waking. He then proceeded to cry/scream for 1 hour with DH in the room. I sat in the guest bedroom in tears, unable to sleep, my heart breaking, feeling like it was just wrong, wrong, wrong. I decided the plan sucked. I like Dr. Gordon's plan better (I do). I re-read the Leaky Boob. I texted with my husband all of my feelings and told him I was coming in at the hour mark as planned. At the hour mark, Tiger was still inconsolable so I went in to nurse. The plan was that he not fall asleep nursing and I put him back in crib and we start again with the crying. I couldn't do it. He's my babe and he needed me - or thought he did. And it was now 1 AM and I hadn't slept at all after many days of not sleeping so, in the bed with me. DH got mad I broke our agreement and went to sleep in the guest bedroom. I nursed Tiger but before he fell asleep, I told him I was counting down from 10 and then we would stop nursing and go night-night (I have been doing this with him a lot and it does often work). That's how it went from 1-7:30 when we got up. He woke up every 1 1/2-2 hours and we nursed a couple of minutes and I did the countdown. All but once, he rolled off me and went to sleep before I even started counting down, just hearing me say I was going to do it was enough. Under Dr. Gordon's plan, this is success for night #1! Under Sleepeasy and my agreed upon plan with DH, utter failure. Today was tough - we have a large disagreement over how to handle this and DH is sick of me reneging on our agreed upon methods in terms of sleep. It's night #2 and the crib didn't get moved yet so it's still in our room. We did bedtime the same as night #1 and Tiger has just fallen asleep after crying for about 40 minutes (have I been typing that long? dear god stop me!) DH and I will talk plan after he creeps out of the room and meets me downstairs. It is now 7:45 and the earliest Tiger has gone to bed in weeks (months?) so that's a good thing.
I will update on how night #2 goes. I know a few things: (1) Tiger must be nightweaned for the sanity of all involved, (2) Tiger must be nightweaned before we can seriously contemplate having another baby, which we are otherwise ready to do, (3) I don't want to be nursing Tiger more than at bedtime, morning and when I come home from work - and I won't do more than that while pregnant especially since, as natural mom as I am, I have no desire to tandem nurse (but, never say never), (4) I have no willpower to hear my baby cry in the middle of the night - I lose all logic and perspective and become a wild momma bear that must protect and care for my child!, (5) my DH is very very angry at me because I keep backing down from plans and I have to mend fences there, (6) everything is impermanent. The last one is probably the most important to remember. This moment is different than the moment before and it's gone. One day this will all be a foggy memory.
Empathy? Thoughts? Stories to share?
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