Anyway, my soon-to-be ex is a good father. A great one, in fact and very involved. Even though it makes life much harder for me personally, he'll stay very involved with our boys. I won't malign him for his parenting, I've got nothing to malign and given my foibles as a parent, it would be foolhardy to do so. Our marriage had good times, very good and there were some wonderful things I wish we could have salvaged, but it was not to be. We started out with too many obstacles, thought we could overcome them, and failed. So now there's a new chapter. I've created a new community of single moms, many who are going through divorce themselves. I'm thinking a lot about community and friendship and how impossible this all is without it. My life already looks vastly different than it did a year ago, six months ago, two months ago. With each new challenge I wonder "can I do it?" I'm amazed each time that the answer is yes. It may be chaotic or messy or not done exactly right, but at the end of the day, me and my boys are still here. We're still healthy. We still laugh and hug. So I will continue to rise up and meet each new challenge, channeling the strength I have utilized with each pregnancy, each birth. And when I stumble, I will try and love myself and ask for help from those who are willing. I write this to try and stay positive. That's no easy task. But my life will be infinitely better the more I can try to be what I am not by nature; a positive person.
I was looking up some information in one of my breastfeeding books earlier today and I came across one of the index cards I had used during Tiger's birth - the ones I had scribbled inspirational quotes on and read to keep myself going when I was two weeks overdue in the blistering August heat. The cards I had thrown across the room during transition because in that moment they were just bullshit platitudes. The quote on the card I found today said "when you are face to face with a difficulty, you are up against a discovery." I didn't attribute the quote to anyone and when I just googled it, turns out it's from Lord Kelvin. Why the hell I had a quote from a mathematical physicist scribbled on an index card for use during labor, I don't know, but I put it in the bathroom where I'll be sure to see it every day. Who knows what I'll discover next? Life doesn't always or maybe ever go how we planned, just like labor and birth. You have to believe in your own strength and be flexible enough to deviate from the plans when necessary. My new tattoo, which I am attaching a picture of to this post, is a reminder to me of my strength. That is the core of how I will get through the series of challenges and important decisions I have to make in the coming weeks and months. Always keeping my strength, and the well being of my children, first in my mind.
