Have you noticed, in the last 5 or 6 days, a number of things going wrong in your life? Illnesses? Car trouble? Accidents? Maybe even deaths of loved ones? Just a string of generally not so great days? Well, if you have, there's actually an explanation in my Buddhist tradition of why things are going wrong this time of year. We're just about at the midway point of Dön season. For the uninitiated, this does not refer to fact that a new season of Mad Men is coming up (although, that's happening too – and
let's not diminish the importance of that event). In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, dön season refers to the 10 days leading up the Tibetan New Year (Losar) when all the karma you accumulated over the
past year comes knockin' on your door and when you open it, tries to kick you in the groin – strictly in a spiritual sense, of course. It is not a time of year where you should do much of anything. Lay low, meditate, do yoga; don't travel, make big decisions or start a new project or relationship, if you can avoid it. Here's a good talk by Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche explaining Don Season.
As one article in the Elephant Journal from 2010 aptly stated: "It’s a reminder that when you are a f*ck-up, even a basically good f*ck-up, it has consequences. The seeds of negative karma that may not even have ripened for four, eight, or twelve lifetimes can suddenly actualize into disasters and calamities in a most immediate and painful way." Cheerful, no? But, it's not all gloomy.
At this time of year, in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, we practice a chant called the Pacifying of the Turmoil of Mamos every night. It's a protector chant, so we're supplicating to protector deities. But, what does that mean? Are there real flesh and blood creatures out there whom we're asking for protection? Maybe. But, I prefer this explanation: "The deities or dharmapalas [dharma = truth, teachings, palas= protectors] symbolized in the protector chants are, in one sense, projections of our own inherent potentialities to overcome these obstacles. So, in supplicating them, we are arousing our own inherent wakefulness and confidence to rise above these negative energies."
So, not completely cheerless after all, and a great reminder that there are repercussions to all our actions. Every time we don't engage in mindful speech or action, it is never just left at that - never just a singular event - even if it may seem that way at the time. On the other hand, let's not be so hard on ourselves. We're not enlightened just yet and we've likely done many things over this past year which were not mindful, but we're working on it, working on uncovering the seed of right body, speech and mind that already exists inherently within us. The Shambhala website offers this description of the
purpose behind the mamo chant: "The mamo chant is recited in order to pacify the karmic cause of personal, social, and environmental chaos that accumulates at the year's end." The chant contains some pretty esoteric imagery and was originally only practiced by vajryana students, but the Skayong decided to open it up to all practitioners as he believed the chant would be helpful to all of us, regardless of our level of meditation practice.
In some ways, it can seem punitive – these karmic forces coming to call each year. But, in reality, it's just a very concentrated reminder of the interconnectedness of all our actions. We call upon the protective energies around us during this time period and we take time each day to meditate and reconnect with our basic goodness before going forward into a new year, which we enter in joy and celebration and with a heightened awareness of the workings of karma and how our own actions affect the world around us. Although it's preferable to practice the mamo chant with others led by a vajryana practitioner at your local meditation center (misery loves company and so do protectors?), there is a shorter version of the chant you can do at home. Since we have a small child, DH and I are practicing the chant at home – trying to do so before bed at least every other night.
I'm not usually a superstitious person, but this time of year makes me nervous. I do try and lay low as much as possible and I try and be really mindful about the possibility of accidents, especially around the home with my child and out driving in the world. It's impossible to stop life though. For instance, at work I have to give a negative evaluation to an employee during this time period – but, I'll try to be really mindful in what I say during the evaluation - maybe more so than I would have been at another time of year. A potential doula client calls me and I have to have a consultation with her during this
time – I can't very well tell her "no, we'll have to wait to meet even though you're due in 6 weeks because, don't you know it's dön season??" But, I will be very mindful of my speech and actions during that meeting and not make any further moves (signing the contract, taking payment, etc) until after Shambhala Day.
Regardless of whether you believe in protector deities or karma, it's not a bad thing to have one time of year where you are really reflecting on your actions and the repercussions of them, both long and short term, as well as the interconnectedness we all share and about our basic goodness. Besides, there's not just negative karma - what about all the great things you've done this year - both big and small that have had ripple effects you could not have dreamed of? This year, I'm trying to put my nerves aside and focus on those things, but I will definitely breathe a sigh of relief next Wednesday, when we celebrate the new year. What ways can you increase your mindfulness over the next year? Maybe
there is one small thing (for me, it is mindful speech, which I will be working on a lot in the coming year) you can work on. What is one unskillful thing you engaged in during the last year that had repercussions you didn't foresee? What about a mindful action you took or words you spoke that likewise had a ripple effect?
Be safe in the coming days. With the ending of dön season, Don Draper
season is just around the corner!
Link here for a more detailed description of the mamos and what they are.
Postscript: In the couple days since writing this post and originally publishing it in its not so cleaned up form, the don season has really hit my home. One of my grandmothers passed away and my toddler became ill with a sinus and ear infection. Also, small things happened like letters coming the mail telling us we owed sums of money we don't have and then the mamos ate the graham crackers we bought during yesterday's food shopping (where else did they disappear to?). Is don season a self-fulfilling prophecy, I wonder? Although I am nervous to travel at this time, my child is feeling better and we will make the 4 hour drive to my grandmother's wake and funeral tomorrow. I hope the mamos will be appeased by the graham crackers (they're organic!) and protect us through these last 2 days of this challenging season. We're in the home stretch!
February 19, 2012
February 6, 2012
Learning to Unlearn
"It is a happy talent to know how to play."
Ralph Waldo Emerson
We think and talk a lot about play in our house these days. Tiger is almost 18 months old and his imagination is really starting to spring to life. For example, he loves trains. OK, that's putting it mildly – he's obsessed with trains (especially a certain engine named Thomas and his
friends). Lately, every day objects are suddenly trains – the radiator, a blanket he tows behind him, the beads on his busy zoo bead cube, daddy's belly (we're not sure why, but it routinely is imagined
to be a train these days). Some parts of the day, the radiator is a radiator and he walks up to it and says "Hot, hot." But, other times, in his mind's eye, it magically transforms into a train and he walks up to it, runs his hands along it and says "Choo! Choo! Train!" DH and I are very intentional about how we react at those time, we don't say "no, that's not a train, it's a radiator." We say "oh! Is that a train? Choo! Choo!" and play along. He knows it's a radiator. We don't need to worry he'll think radiators are trains and fail his identification of household appliances unit of kindergarten (who the
hell knows what they teach in kindergarten these days? They might have to learn this skill to go onto first grade). He just imagines it to be something else sometimes. And so we try and imagine it that way too.
DH and I have talked a lot about this and our tendency as adults to correct. We want our kids to get it right. Be the smartest. Use the right words for the right objects. So we correct them. Even in their play. And I think that's a spirit crushing activity. I've seen it in my little guy's face when he points to a
circle and says "star," or repeatedly refers to blue as "purple." If I correct him – "no, that's a circle," "no, it's blue;" he gets this sad look on his face like "oh, I did something wrong." He's 18 months old. It doesn't really matter if he sometimes calls a circle a star because he really likes stars. It doesn't matter if he says blue is purple because he loves the color purple (and the word) and wants to say it as much as possible. DH and I have talked about our tendency to correct and how we've needed to check that and instead say something like "I can see how that looks like purple" or simply, "yes, purple." Most of the time, Tiger is just looking for praise – he loves to hear us praising him for using his words, for getting it right. And that's more important at this stage than him actually getting it right.
A recent article in the NYT talks about the movement that is growing up around the importance of play. It's worth a read for any parent. As the article points out, when we talk about play, we're not talking about screen time, video games or electronic toys –even those that bill themselves as "educational." We're talking about rolling in the mud, throwing toilet paper in the air, making a fort - messy play. It does my heart good when I walk into my house at the end of a work day and see toys strewn everywhere, glitter stuck in the cracks of the hardwood floors, books strewn everywhere, fingerpaints out on the table, a fort in the corner, and a very happy kid. The house is a mess and it's tiring to know we'll have to clean it up after Tiger goes to bed, but it means that he's spent another great day learning to play with our wonderful nanny and her daughter. That is, without a doubt, more important than a tidy house. But, believe me, it's taken a while for DH and I to adjust to that and get comfortable with it. Oh and there is not one, I mean not a single, plastic-lights flashing-noise making toy. We simply don't have any. Well, we have one, a baby Einstein thing that plays music
and tells you the colors in English, Spanish and French. He uses it on the changing table sometimes and it did help him learn to say his colors, but he could have learned them from us and his books and
flashcards without that toy. Otherwise, all of Tiger's toys require imagination and motor skills to power them. We still have plenty of toys (TOO MANY), but I am always shocked when I go to a house full of these really loud, flashing toys and the kid seems to be having fun
but they're just kind of sitting there. Maybe pushing a button or something. No imagination required. Huh? Why? Also, those toys are annoying as hell. So, again, why? I can guess why –because although Tiger is becoming increasingly self-directed in his play and can now play for much longer stretches of time on his own, he still largely needs and wants a partner to play with. That means, DH
and I spend a lot of time of the floor playing with him and running around the house doing the same (it's winter now, so we're mostly housebound although global warming has given us a few days where bundled up wagon rides were possible). It's physically tiring after long days of work and not great nights of sleep (2 years molars – yay), not to mention the focused attention it requires can be very draining. But, really, we get only a few precious hours with him on week days and on weekends, we trade off sleeping in, so what better is there to do than play? It can be challenging getting dinner together, but a couple of nights a week we eat eggs or PB&J or (gasp!) hot dogs (uncured), which Tiger would prefer to a roasted chicken anyway. So be it. On days where we're really exhausted, DH and I just lay on the living room floor for a bit and Tiger is happy to crawl all over us laughing, kissing and tickling. We even play a game called "night night" where DH and I pretend to go to sleep on the floor and make a ridiculous snoring sound and then Tiger jumps on us yelling "It's day! It's day!" until we get up. He requests this game nearly every day and asks for it "again! again!" and it doesn't require much energy on the part of the adults. Plus, we're role playing sleeping, which is something he needs to do often as we continue to work on his own sleeping issues.
Tiger also has very limited TV time – ½ hour per day. He rarely throws tantrums over wanting more and rarely requests TV if he's already had his allotment. When he does, he usually is easily directed to a book or train or musical instrument. So, that seems to be working out for everyone. From time to time, if I need to get something done (like dinner) and he's really needing attention, I have
used the TV as a babysitter. I hate doing it, but sometimes it happens and so be it. For the most part though, Tiger's world of play consists of non-electronic toys, imaginative games, arts and crafts,
books and as much outside play as the weather will allow. Coupled with plenty of trips to the local museums, indoor play spaces, the local train station and even our local airport. Our nanny is just so
great at coming up with imaginative games and also letting the kids lead the play (her 4 year old daughter comes to the house 3 times per week and is Tiger's best friend). I am constantly amazed at how easily our nanny accesses their world and taps into that realm of the imagination that all of us adults have lying dormant in our mind. I've been struggling with that the most – finding my imagination again. That and letting go of the very practical and stressful adult world in order to inhabit Tiger's. When Tiger grabs the toilet paper roll and starts pulling, we let him pull. Then we throw up the wads of white paper in the air and yell "it's snowing!" There is definitely a part of me thinking about the mess and also how expensive TP is and how we now have wasted a whole roll, but I'm able to see that part of me is ridiculous and childish and that the part of me that is laughing and loving my child's experience of this roll of white, fluffy paper is actually far more sane. It's not always like that. DH and I have talked about our resistance to fingerpainting. Tiger loves to paint, but it's so messy and such a hassle, we rarely do it with him and leave that to the purview of our nanny who has him generating paintings at a pretty furious rate. Beautiful swaths of blue and green. Fiery reds and
oranges. They adorn the walls of my office and home. I need to work on dropping whatever outing we have planned on a Saturday in favor of "paits" when he asks for them.
I haven't quite figured out how to re-activate my imagination, however. That part's trickier. I had a fierce one as a kid. I played for hours alone with my imaginary friends or with neighborhood and school friends pretending the basement was an ice skating rink, that I was a
mechanic fixing my bike, etc. My best friend growing up had a wild and vivid imagination and we spent days upon days up through even our middle school years playing in imaginary worlds. When we got older, the games morphed into stories, which we would write in spiral notebooks during and after school, putting our real life friends and teachers into wild imaginary (and often funny – at least to us) situations. Where did that all go, I wonder? The truth is it didn't "go" anywhere – it's just been layered over by all the "have to's" and "need to's" of the adult day-to-day world. I haven't found the magic key to unlock that door, so instead I'm letting Tiger re-educate me. I'm learning by watching him learn about his imagination and accepting his invitations to join in those games with him as often as possible. As he gets older and indulges even more in this imaginary realm, I hope that I
can drop my adult mind and follow him in.
So, readers, how do you access your imagination with your kids? What kind of games do you play with them and how do you encourage old fashioned, messy play? I would love to hear your stories, tips and suggestions.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
We think and talk a lot about play in our house these days. Tiger is almost 18 months old and his imagination is really starting to spring to life. For example, he loves trains. OK, that's putting it mildly – he's obsessed with trains (especially a certain engine named Thomas and his
friends). Lately, every day objects are suddenly trains – the radiator, a blanket he tows behind him, the beads on his busy zoo bead cube, daddy's belly (we're not sure why, but it routinely is imagined
to be a train these days). Some parts of the day, the radiator is a radiator and he walks up to it and says "Hot, hot." But, other times, in his mind's eye, it magically transforms into a train and he walks up to it, runs his hands along it and says "Choo! Choo! Train!" DH and I are very intentional about how we react at those time, we don't say "no, that's not a train, it's a radiator." We say "oh! Is that a train? Choo! Choo!" and play along. He knows it's a radiator. We don't need to worry he'll think radiators are trains and fail his identification of household appliances unit of kindergarten (who the
hell knows what they teach in kindergarten these days? They might have to learn this skill to go onto first grade). He just imagines it to be something else sometimes. And so we try and imagine it that way too.
circle and says "star," or repeatedly refers to blue as "purple." If I correct him – "no, that's a circle," "no, it's blue;" he gets this sad look on his face like "oh, I did something wrong." He's 18 months old. It doesn't really matter if he sometimes calls a circle a star because he really likes stars. It doesn't matter if he says blue is purple because he loves the color purple (and the word) and wants to say it as much as possible. DH and I have talked about our tendency to correct and how we've needed to check that and instead say something like "I can see how that looks like purple" or simply, "yes, purple." Most of the time, Tiger is just looking for praise – he loves to hear us praising him for using his words, for getting it right. And that's more important at this stage than him actually getting it right.
A recent article in the NYT talks about the movement that is growing up around the importance of play. It's worth a read for any parent. As the article points out, when we talk about play, we're not talking about screen time, video games or electronic toys –even those that bill themselves as "educational." We're talking about rolling in the mud, throwing toilet paper in the air, making a fort - messy play. It does my heart good when I walk into my house at the end of a work day and see toys strewn everywhere, glitter stuck in the cracks of the hardwood floors, books strewn everywhere, fingerpaints out on the table, a fort in the corner, and a very happy kid. The house is a mess and it's tiring to know we'll have to clean it up after Tiger goes to bed, but it means that he's spent another great day learning to play with our wonderful nanny and her daughter. That is, without a doubt, more important than a tidy house. But, believe me, it's taken a while for DH and I to adjust to that and get comfortable with it. Oh and there is not one, I mean not a single, plastic-lights flashing-noise making toy. We simply don't have any. Well, we have one, a baby Einstein thing that plays music
and tells you the colors in English, Spanish and French. He uses it on the changing table sometimes and it did help him learn to say his colors, but he could have learned them from us and his books and
flashcards without that toy. Otherwise, all of Tiger's toys require imagination and motor skills to power them. We still have plenty of toys (TOO MANY), but I am always shocked when I go to a house full of these really loud, flashing toys and the kid seems to be having fun
but they're just kind of sitting there. Maybe pushing a button or something. No imagination required. Huh? Why? Also, those toys are annoying as hell. So, again, why? I can guess why –because although Tiger is becoming increasingly self-directed in his play and can now play for much longer stretches of time on his own, he still largely needs and wants a partner to play with. That means, DH
and I spend a lot of time of the floor playing with him and running around the house doing the same (it's winter now, so we're mostly housebound although global warming has given us a few days where bundled up wagon rides were possible). It's physically tiring after long days of work and not great nights of sleep (2 years molars – yay), not to mention the focused attention it requires can be very draining. But, really, we get only a few precious hours with him on week days and on weekends, we trade off sleeping in, so what better is there to do than play? It can be challenging getting dinner together, but a couple of nights a week we eat eggs or PB&J or (gasp!) hot dogs (uncured), which Tiger would prefer to a roasted chicken anyway. So be it. On days where we're really exhausted, DH and I just lay on the living room floor for a bit and Tiger is happy to crawl all over us laughing, kissing and tickling. We even play a game called "night night" where DH and I pretend to go to sleep on the floor and make a ridiculous snoring sound and then Tiger jumps on us yelling "It's day! It's day!" until we get up. He requests this game nearly every day and asks for it "again! again!" and it doesn't require much energy on the part of the adults. Plus, we're role playing sleeping, which is something he needs to do often as we continue to work on his own sleeping issues.
Tiger also has very limited TV time – ½ hour per day. He rarely throws tantrums over wanting more and rarely requests TV if he's already had his allotment. When he does, he usually is easily directed to a book or train or musical instrument. So, that seems to be working out for everyone. From time to time, if I need to get something done (like dinner) and he's really needing attention, I have
used the TV as a babysitter. I hate doing it, but sometimes it happens and so be it. For the most part though, Tiger's world of play consists of non-electronic toys, imaginative games, arts and crafts,
books and as much outside play as the weather will allow. Coupled with plenty of trips to the local museums, indoor play spaces, the local train station and even our local airport. Our nanny is just so
great at coming up with imaginative games and also letting the kids lead the play (her 4 year old daughter comes to the house 3 times per week and is Tiger's best friend). I am constantly amazed at how easily our nanny accesses their world and taps into that realm of the imagination that all of us adults have lying dormant in our mind. I've been struggling with that the most – finding my imagination again. That and letting go of the very practical and stressful adult world in order to inhabit Tiger's. When Tiger grabs the toilet paper roll and starts pulling, we let him pull. Then we throw up the wads of white paper in the air and yell "it's snowing!" There is definitely a part of me thinking about the mess and also how expensive TP is and how we now have wasted a whole roll, but I'm able to see that part of me is ridiculous and childish and that the part of me that is laughing and loving my child's experience of this roll of white, fluffy paper is actually far more sane. It's not always like that. DH and I have talked about our resistance to fingerpainting. Tiger loves to paint, but it's so messy and such a hassle, we rarely do it with him and leave that to the purview of our nanny who has him generating paintings at a pretty furious rate. Beautiful swaths of blue and green. Fiery reds and
oranges. They adorn the walls of my office and home. I need to work on dropping whatever outing we have planned on a Saturday in favor of "paits" when he asks for them.
I haven't quite figured out how to re-activate my imagination, however. That part's trickier. I had a fierce one as a kid. I played for hours alone with my imaginary friends or with neighborhood and school friends pretending the basement was an ice skating rink, that I was a
mechanic fixing my bike, etc. My best friend growing up had a wild and vivid imagination and we spent days upon days up through even our middle school years playing in imaginary worlds. When we got older, the games morphed into stories, which we would write in spiral notebooks during and after school, putting our real life friends and teachers into wild imaginary (and often funny – at least to us) situations. Where did that all go, I wonder? The truth is it didn't "go" anywhere – it's just been layered over by all the "have to's" and "need to's" of the adult day-to-day world. I haven't found the magic key to unlock that door, so instead I'm letting Tiger re-educate me. I'm learning by watching him learn about his imagination and accepting his invitations to join in those games with him as often as possible. As he gets older and indulges even more in this imaginary realm, I hope that I
can drop my adult mind and follow him in.
So, readers, how do you access your imagination with your kids? What kind of games do you play with them and how do you encourage old fashioned, messy play? I would love to hear your stories, tips and suggestions.
February 1, 2012
Judge not?
My natural mom friends have been passing around this youtube video on Facebook – maybe you've seen it. It's from the S**t people say series – this one is called "Sh** crunchy mamas say." We've all been laughing extensively over it in the vein of "it's so funny because it's true." We've eagerly been self-identifying the amount of things in that video that we ourselves have said or thought. I'm heartened to see we all have a sense of humor about our "natural momma" label – a label that for many of us, is self-imposed and that we proudly wear (if not, admittedly, flaunt it at times).
It really is a funny video. And yes, I have said many (but not all) of the things in it and have thought even more of them. I'm not quite as bad as the worst stereotype of the crunchy momma (like Maggie Gyllenhaal's hilarious portrayal in the really sweet and wonderful movie "Away We Go"), but sometimes I approach it. It got me thinking about parenting and judgment – within the "natural parenting" movement in particular.
I actually think about that a lot because as I try and educate parents and people through posting articles on FB, through my blog or through my work as a doula, I have to be really aware of how I am presenting information and how I am framing my opinions. I've learned that if you present things in a certain way, the people it needs to reach most will simply tune you out or write you off as a fruitcake and not hear the information that it is actually important that they hear and consider. As a doula, this is very important. When my client asks me a question – "what should I do about xxx?" (circumcision, breastfeeding, vaccines, etc.), it is beyond my role as a doula and the scope of practice I operate under, to tell them what to do. It is, arguably, beyond my role to tell them my personal opinion. A big part of my role as a doula; however, is to provide information to my clients – point them to resources and encourage them to make an informed choice based on what they read. It's a fine line, though, because many of the resources I find are invariably skewed toward whatever opinion I may hold on the topic. So, I have to be careful to try and present both sides of the coin, so to speak. However, if there is no medical research to back up one of the sides, my client needs to know that (for instance, to pick an easy one, there is no medical research backing up that you cannot vaginally deliver a "big" baby, in most circumstances). So it is with all research – it's hard to be really objective.
I will give my opinion to clients, but I am really forthright about telling them clearly that it is my opinion, not fact, and I often try to couch it as "here’s what I did and why it was right for me and my husband" or "here's what I think about that and why." It's dangerous ground, though. I know from experience that I looked up to my doulas and holding a contrary opinion from them can, at times, be difficult. This was through no fault of their actions; it was merely what went on in my mind and with my emotions. I do remember my husband feeling "ganged up on" by the women (myself and our 3 doulas) when it came to certain topics. I'll use the example of whether or not to circumcise Tiger. I try not to preach about circumcision because I truly believe it is a very personal decision. However, I'll gladly present you with evidence and resources about it, if you're interested in and I will admit up front that Tiger is not circumcised. This was not a choice that was made lightly by me and DH. I knew, from the research I had done (Dr. Sears has a great list of questions you should ask yourself before making the choice in either the Baby Book or the Pregnancy Book) that I was firmly against circumcising our little boy. But, DH wasn't so sure. He is circumcised and obviously has a lot more attachment (no pun intended) to the subject. So, in this one area, I made my opinion clear but also told him I would largely defer to his decision. After a doula session toward the end of my pregnancy where we talked about the subject, DH was feeling outnumbered. It had been abundantly clear that all the women in the room were against circumcision, although our doulas were careful to point us to research and try to elicit how we felt, instead of telling us what to do or even stating their opinions (it came across anyway). At this point, DH hadn't read any of the research and a quick reading through Sears (especially the graphic but true description of the operation) and some other info made his mind up quickly and firmly against circumcision (whew! Because although I said I would have "largely deferred" to his decision – it would have been really hard for me to swallow had he decided he wanted Tiger to be circumcised and I'm not sure what I would have done). We have never once regretted the decision not to circumcise and in fact, are really happy we didn't. But, again, as a doula and even as a fellow mother, it's really not my place to say what others should do. And I don't think the practice should be banned – I just think we need to really educate people before they make a choice. I didn't mean to get into the nitty gritty of this topic – it's been gone over on plenty of other blogs and articles. Heated arguments will ensue, but that's not really the point of this post.
Really, what I wanted to talk about (believe it or not) was judgment. Putting aside my role as a doula for a second, as a mother - and an admittedly pretty "natural," "crunchy" or "liberal" or whatever your choice term is, one – I have found that even within my own circles of other natural mommas, I have encountered, bore witness to, or heard of some pretty intense judgment of other people's parenting. Behind their backs, but actually more often than not, to their faces. I think in some ways, that the natural parenting movement has within it an even harsher edge of judgment and criticism than more mainstream parenting circles. Even more than criticizing those parents who are more "mainstream," there are lots of judgments floating around about other natural parents. Like – you're crunchy, but not crunchy enough. God forbid you let your kid watch ½ hour of TV or eat a cookie made with refined sugar every once in a while, the parenting police are in full effect! I hate the parenting police! I am friends with some women I really respect who will turn the parenting police act on full force at the drop of a hat – just get nasty! I try to stop myself when I feel like I may be going there. Sometimes it's hard – there's so much information out there and lots of parents ignore it or buy the "well, we did worse things to you and you survived it" nonsense that parents with grown children sometimes defensively spout. And your beliefs as a parent are so strong – you KNOW you're right that that mom should not give her 12 month old McDonald's in front of the TV, but she's also got a 3 year old and has her reasons. Putting on the parenting police act won't help. She won't even hear you. She'll just turn Elmo up louder and think "thank god I don't have to cook dinner because I don't have the energy."
I haven't often been the subject of judgment from other parents, at least to my face, but I'm pretty scary so that may be why. I have encountered a little bit of disagreement from time to time because there is one area where me and many crunchy mommas just don't agree – vaccinations. I am not anti-vax and I preface anything I say to my mom's group on that subject with that fact. That way they can just ignore me (much as they seemingly ignore medical research in which countless studies have found no link between vaccinations and autism) and go on conversing with each other. See how snarky I got there? It's just so easy. So I see how the parenting police happen! I've seen the scorn that can be levied by a natural momma who thinks you're just a poseur. Be careful or you'll have an ergo and a bottle of camilia thrown at you!
All this judgment – where does it come from? Our own insecurities sure, but there's more to it. There is just so much information out there. It's difficult to keep up with the latest baby product that's been found to contain toxins or whether infants acetaminophen causes asthma, or that there's arsenic in apple juice. It's so hard, but it's also our duty as parents to try and keep on top of this information and to change our practices accordingly, based on what we're comfortable with after we see the research. If you're OK with a certain amount of arsenic in apple juice then OK, read the study and decide that your kid will still drink juice. I make these calls all the time – how much is too much? I know I should keep my kid rear facing in the car seat until he's at least age 2, I've read the studies and they scare the shit out of me, but my 17 month old, 26 lb toddler with long legs is miserable and I'm miserable and I have to practically break him in half to get him in there and then he screams on long car rides. So me and DH talked and decided we're not driving 10 + hours to visit my parents in April with a screaming uncomfortable kid in the backseat. Until then, he remains rear facing – but for that ride, we're turning him around. Alert the parenting police!!!! It's OK if someone wants to say, "do you know there is research on this – here's the link?" it's NOT OK for them to say "you're negligent and/or killing your kid if you turn them around before age 2." And frankly, if you say that to me, my reaction is going to be a very polite "fuck you" and I probably won't read whatever research you've pointed me because you've annoyed me. But, when I go home I'll feel bad that I'm going to be responsible for killing my kid. Not bad enough that I'm going to deal with 10 hours of screaming toddler meltdown in the car, but still I'll feel like a BAD MOM.
Enough with the bad mom shit, people. We all love our kids and we're all trying to make the right decisions for them and for our families. I doubt there's anyone out there thinking "how can I intentionally harm my child today?" and then researching it and giving them a shampoo with Johnson & Johnson in a front facing car seat while pouring lead and arsenic laden apple juice down their throat. Maybe there are some people, but they're sociopaths (and very good at multi-tasking). The rest of us are just trying to get through it doing he best we can and loving our kids fully and hoping we don't screw them up too badly. The only thing I think that is negligent parenting these days is not doing your due diligence – not reading the research before turning the car seat around, not reading the labels to see what's in the products you give your kids (children's toothpaste with parabens? COME ON), etc. We have easy access to so much information these days and our parents didn't. So, we have a responsibility to perform due diligence before making these choices.
That said, acting as the parenting police toward other parents and casting your judgments their way will get you nowhere fast. You may disagree with another parent's choices (and even voice that disagreement to your spouse or whatever) but remember that every time you levy a judgment against another mother to her face, that mother goes home and somewhere inside her thinks you're right and she's a BAD MOM. She's probably already had that thought 20 times today without your heavy handed attempts to get her to agree with you. As mothers, we do a fine job beating ourselves up without the help of others.
So, remember, your opinion is your opinion and should be stated as such. Providing research to back it up is essential, but make sure to let the person you give the research to make their own informed choice, whatever it may be. Educate don't judge!
And always, always keep a sense of humor about yourself and your beliefs.
Having said all of this, please know that on every given day I have countless judgments of others running through my head and it's something I work with as actively as possible. I know that after reading this post, DH will hit me with a frying pan for being a hypocrite, but I've got a tube of arnica gel right next to me so I should heal up nicely!
It really is a funny video. And yes, I have said many (but not all) of the things in it and have thought even more of them. I'm not quite as bad as the worst stereotype of the crunchy momma (like Maggie Gyllenhaal's hilarious portrayal in the really sweet and wonderful movie "Away We Go"), but sometimes I approach it. It got me thinking about parenting and judgment – within the "natural parenting" movement in particular.
I actually think about that a lot because as I try and educate parents and people through posting articles on FB, through my blog or through my work as a doula, I have to be really aware of how I am presenting information and how I am framing my opinions. I've learned that if you present things in a certain way, the people it needs to reach most will simply tune you out or write you off as a fruitcake and not hear the information that it is actually important that they hear and consider. As a doula, this is very important. When my client asks me a question – "what should I do about xxx?" (circumcision, breastfeeding, vaccines, etc.), it is beyond my role as a doula and the scope of practice I operate under, to tell them what to do. It is, arguably, beyond my role to tell them my personal opinion. A big part of my role as a doula; however, is to provide information to my clients – point them to resources and encourage them to make an informed choice based on what they read. It's a fine line, though, because many of the resources I find are invariably skewed toward whatever opinion I may hold on the topic. So, I have to be careful to try and present both sides of the coin, so to speak. However, if there is no medical research to back up one of the sides, my client needs to know that (for instance, to pick an easy one, there is no medical research backing up that you cannot vaginally deliver a "big" baby, in most circumstances). So it is with all research – it's hard to be really objective.
I will give my opinion to clients, but I am really forthright about telling them clearly that it is my opinion, not fact, and I often try to couch it as "here’s what I did and why it was right for me and my husband" or "here's what I think about that and why." It's dangerous ground, though. I know from experience that I looked up to my doulas and holding a contrary opinion from them can, at times, be difficult. This was through no fault of their actions; it was merely what went on in my mind and with my emotions. I do remember my husband feeling "ganged up on" by the women (myself and our 3 doulas) when it came to certain topics. I'll use the example of whether or not to circumcise Tiger. I try not to preach about circumcision because I truly believe it is a very personal decision. However, I'll gladly present you with evidence and resources about it, if you're interested in and I will admit up front that Tiger is not circumcised. This was not a choice that was made lightly by me and DH. I knew, from the research I had done (Dr. Sears has a great list of questions you should ask yourself before making the choice in either the Baby Book or the Pregnancy Book) that I was firmly against circumcising our little boy. But, DH wasn't so sure. He is circumcised and obviously has a lot more attachment (no pun intended) to the subject. So, in this one area, I made my opinion clear but also told him I would largely defer to his decision. After a doula session toward the end of my pregnancy where we talked about the subject, DH was feeling outnumbered. It had been abundantly clear that all the women in the room were against circumcision, although our doulas were careful to point us to research and try to elicit how we felt, instead of telling us what to do or even stating their opinions (it came across anyway). At this point, DH hadn't read any of the research and a quick reading through Sears (especially the graphic but true description of the operation) and some other info made his mind up quickly and firmly against circumcision (whew! Because although I said I would have "largely deferred" to his decision – it would have been really hard for me to swallow had he decided he wanted Tiger to be circumcised and I'm not sure what I would have done). We have never once regretted the decision not to circumcise and in fact, are really happy we didn't. But, again, as a doula and even as a fellow mother, it's really not my place to say what others should do. And I don't think the practice should be banned – I just think we need to really educate people before they make a choice. I didn't mean to get into the nitty gritty of this topic – it's been gone over on plenty of other blogs and articles. Heated arguments will ensue, but that's not really the point of this post.
Really, what I wanted to talk about (believe it or not) was judgment. Putting aside my role as a doula for a second, as a mother - and an admittedly pretty "natural," "crunchy" or "liberal" or whatever your choice term is, one – I have found that even within my own circles of other natural mommas, I have encountered, bore witness to, or heard of some pretty intense judgment of other people's parenting. Behind their backs, but actually more often than not, to their faces. I think in some ways, that the natural parenting movement has within it an even harsher edge of judgment and criticism than more mainstream parenting circles. Even more than criticizing those parents who are more "mainstream," there are lots of judgments floating around about other natural parents. Like – you're crunchy, but not crunchy enough. God forbid you let your kid watch ½ hour of TV or eat a cookie made with refined sugar every once in a while, the parenting police are in full effect! I hate the parenting police! I am friends with some women I really respect who will turn the parenting police act on full force at the drop of a hat – just get nasty! I try to stop myself when I feel like I may be going there. Sometimes it's hard – there's so much information out there and lots of parents ignore it or buy the "well, we did worse things to you and you survived it" nonsense that parents with grown children sometimes defensively spout. And your beliefs as a parent are so strong – you KNOW you're right that that mom should not give her 12 month old McDonald's in front of the TV, but she's also got a 3 year old and has her reasons. Putting on the parenting police act won't help. She won't even hear you. She'll just turn Elmo up louder and think "thank god I don't have to cook dinner because I don't have the energy."
All this judgment – where does it come from? Our own insecurities sure, but there's more to it. There is just so much information out there. It's difficult to keep up with the latest baby product that's been found to contain toxins or whether infants acetaminophen causes asthma, or that there's arsenic in apple juice. It's so hard, but it's also our duty as parents to try and keep on top of this information and to change our practices accordingly, based on what we're comfortable with after we see the research. If you're OK with a certain amount of arsenic in apple juice then OK, read the study and decide that your kid will still drink juice. I make these calls all the time – how much is too much? I know I should keep my kid rear facing in the car seat until he's at least age 2, I've read the studies and they scare the shit out of me, but my 17 month old, 26 lb toddler with long legs is miserable and I'm miserable and I have to practically break him in half to get him in there and then he screams on long car rides. So me and DH talked and decided we're not driving 10 + hours to visit my parents in April with a screaming uncomfortable kid in the backseat. Until then, he remains rear facing – but for that ride, we're turning him around. Alert the parenting police!!!! It's OK if someone wants to say, "do you know there is research on this – here's the link?" it's NOT OK for them to say "you're negligent and/or killing your kid if you turn them around before age 2." And frankly, if you say that to me, my reaction is going to be a very polite "fuck you" and I probably won't read whatever research you've pointed me because you've annoyed me. But, when I go home I'll feel bad that I'm going to be responsible for killing my kid. Not bad enough that I'm going to deal with 10 hours of screaming toddler meltdown in the car, but still I'll feel like a BAD MOM.
Enough with the bad mom shit, people. We all love our kids and we're all trying to make the right decisions for them and for our families. I doubt there's anyone out there thinking "how can I intentionally harm my child today?" and then researching it and giving them a shampoo with Johnson & Johnson in a front facing car seat while pouring lead and arsenic laden apple juice down their throat. Maybe there are some people, but they're sociopaths (and very good at multi-tasking). The rest of us are just trying to get through it doing he best we can and loving our kids fully and hoping we don't screw them up too badly. The only thing I think that is negligent parenting these days is not doing your due diligence – not reading the research before turning the car seat around, not reading the labels to see what's in the products you give your kids (children's toothpaste with parabens? COME ON), etc. We have easy access to so much information these days and our parents didn't. So, we have a responsibility to perform due diligence before making these choices.
That said, acting as the parenting police toward other parents and casting your judgments their way will get you nowhere fast. You may disagree with another parent's choices (and even voice that disagreement to your spouse or whatever) but remember that every time you levy a judgment against another mother to her face, that mother goes home and somewhere inside her thinks you're right and she's a BAD MOM. She's probably already had that thought 20 times today without your heavy handed attempts to get her to agree with you. As mothers, we do a fine job beating ourselves up without the help of others.
So, remember, your opinion is your opinion and should be stated as such. Providing research to back it up is essential, but make sure to let the person you give the research to make their own informed choice, whatever it may be. Educate don't judge!
And always, always keep a sense of humor about yourself and your beliefs.
Having said all of this, please know that on every given day I have countless judgments of others running through my head and it's something I work with as actively as possible. I know that after reading this post, DH will hit me with a frying pan for being a hypocrite, but I've got a tube of arnica gel right next to me so I should heal up nicely!
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