Quoth Eddie Murphy - "Merry New Year!"

Just a quick post to round out the 2011 year and welcome in the new year of 2012.  First off - shouldn't we have flying cars by now?
A link to a lovely post and my favorite blog (I admit she's a dear friend as well) regarding new year's aspirations vs. resolutions.  I've never been much good at the resolutions game and always end up beating myself up when my resolve gives in and they fall by the wayside weeks or months after January 1.  Aspirations leave room for growth, flexibility and gentleness with ourselves on those days when we come up short.   They are less finite and concrete than goals such as " lose weight, get a new job, sell the house or have another baby").  Those have their place too, but may be a little heavy handed as we say goodbye to one year and welcome another.   Aspirations won't necessarily be something you check off your list as having accomplished or not next new years.  They're a work in progress.  But if we set those intentions every day- we've already taken a huge step.
Without further ado, a short list of my aspirations for 2012:

• Be more gentle and kind with myself - the only way I can manifest these traits with my son and husband as well

• Basic shamatha meditation - short but consistent practice sessions - to work with my mind and try and loosen the hold of those kleshas that seem to run my life.  (family meditation time a couple times a week has been going great! The space is a great one for Tiger to be in and he's been responding well.)

• Let go of my endless list of urgent "to do's" in favor of responding to the emotional needs of those around me in the moment- which are far more important than getting the laundry done, even though it might not feel like it sometimes.

• More mindfulness of speech - this is a biggie for me.

• Taking care of my needs (even small ones like a pedicure or a haircut) before I reach critical mass

• Less technology (!!)

• Work joyfully toward growing my doula business and expand by becoming a childbirth educator as well

What are your aspirations for this new year? Do you make resolutions and if so, do you find them to be helpful?

May you be able to reflect on the last year, celebrate all that is past - the difficult and the joyous, and rest in the present moment as we straddle one year and move into the next.  Merry New Year!

"Let your monkey do it"or why it's F'in amazing to be a woman!

The quote above is one from midwife extraordinaire Ina May Gaskin's must have book "Guide to Childbirth".  In preparation for my labor with Tiger, I wrote up sayings on index cards that I thought would inspire me and help support me through the weeks leading up to labor and through the labor and birth itself.  These quotes came from various sources - from books I was reading in preparation for the event, from things my birth tribe (doulas, midwives, acupuncturist, chiropractor, and even the physical therapist who taught my prenatal exercise class) had said and also from friends and family whom I had asked to bring quotes, sayings and stories about birth and parenting to our baby shower.  In the weeks leading up to my "late" delivery (42 weeks + 3 days, give our take), I read the cards over and over, and as my prodromal labor dragged on, seemingly endlessly, the cards kept me company when I couldn't sleep through the contractions in the wee hours of the night.  When the time came to use them during labor, I remember looking at them in the birth pool while we were still at home, as I was going through transition - I believe DH handed them to me and asked if I wanted to look at them and I threw them across the room (which turned out to be a good thing because I puked shortly thereafter.  A lot.  And since I didn't puke on the cards, I was able to save them to stash in Tiger's baby book). 
Anyway, "let your monkey do it" was one of the quotes on the cards.  I had already read through Ina May's book at least once by the time I was writing up the cards, but in the waning weeks when I was waiting for labor to really kick in, I re-read one of the lovely birth stories every night to give me inspiration.  The monkey quote had stuck with me (and not just because I think the word "monkey" is silly) - it was something about getting primal, going to that place where we are often so discouraged to find in ourselves by this society, especially as women.  But it is this very place that we women need to go when we birth babies - we have to, in a sense, become cave women again - we have to tap into our monkey and let that monkey do the work of birthing our babies.  Ina May goes on to explain what she means by this: "Letting the primate in you do the work of labor is a short way of saying not to let your over-busy mind interfere with the ancient wisdom of the body”.
Ah, this sounds familiar from my meditation practice! Our over-busy mind interfering again with out innate wisdom (or buddha nature).  It's not an easy thing to attain - especially in a relatively short span of labor - somewhere between 8-48 hours or so.  In my own labor and birth, I was lucky enough that I was able to tap into my monkey fairly easily and early on and it served me well through a long and difficult labor.  I had the hardest time accessing it during pushing - I had to be given pitocin at the end of my long journey because my contractions had spaced and needed to be "beefed up" so I could push Tiger out.  That was the only time I remember being scared - even after 1 + days of labor and stalling with only a lip of cervix for almost 12 hours, I didn't get fearful until they told me they were starting a small amount of pit so I could push.  That was my time (I think most everyone has this time when you are birthing naturally) that I asked for pain meds - simply out of fear of what I had heard pit contractions were like.  But my team held fast, told me "no" and reminded me it would slow my already long labor (which they knew was what I wanted to hear) and we went forward.  Those contractions were really scary and I endured them for 2 hours while I pushed Tiger out - in those moments it took my doula's voice in my ear (and my midwife's voice from down between my legs) telling me not to hold back because of fear, to go into the fear and beyond it - to get my mind to stop interfering and let my monkey take over. 
I was reminded once again of this need for accessing the primal in birth a couple of weekends ago when my first doula client gave birth to a baby girl by all natural VBAC early one Sunday morning.  We lucked out as the midwife on call is the top of her craft - soft when needed, but firm at the same time and absolutely no bullshit.  She knows what needs to happen to bring women into that space - to access their monkey- and she has the ability to guide them there.  In fact, at one point in the wee hours of the morning, we were chatting and she repeated the Ina May quote "she needs to let her monkey do it." I remembered back to my own labor and understood what she meant.  My client, like me, is a smart professional woman who, unlike me, seems to be really in control of herself and her emotions.  Or, as the midwife put it, she's "in her head." This is often a laudable quality, but in labor, it can get in the way. 
My client had doubted her ability to birth without pain meds and her focus was mainly on the VBAC, but the fact is that the ability to VBAC is something that is interdependent with many other factors, as what happens in birth and in life in general, always is.  It's that nasty old cascade of interventions - epidural leads to a prolonged labor and could lead to the use of pitocin which in a VBAC can be particularly worrisome if you're using a practitioner who's worried about uterine rupture.  At 2 AM, after getting some sleep thanks to some helpful sleepy/relaxing meds, my client called me at home and asked me to come back to the hospital.  She was crying - they contractions were getting more painful and she was scared she could not keep up with what was to come.  "I just want it to be over." I empathized with her - I have been there and I know that feeling.  She had been talking about her possible desire for "potato salad" (her code word for the epidural) almost since we had set foot at the hospital (before she was in active labor).  She told me again that she thought she wanted the epidural.  I had a very frank conversation about how it would prolong her labor and if she really wanted it to be over, the best and fastest way was to let nature do it's thing.  She cried more.  It's such a hard place to be in and I felt for her, but I had to tell her the honest truth about what getting the epidural would mean. 
A couple of hours later, back at the hospital, I knew that my client had turned a corner, had given in and was letting her monkey do it, when I heard her screaming and banging her fists on the tub with each contraction.  She was in transition - we had finally gotten her in the tub as another attempt at avoiding the epidural - "let's try this and see how it works and then we can talk again about potato salad." The trusty "midwive's epidural." Sure enough, she wouldn't let anyone in the room except her husband for an hour - a good sign.  Then her husband came out and said firmly "she wants potato salad." The assistant midwife and myself called in the big guns and our guru midwife had her "come to Jesus" talk with mom.  Then the screaming started and tears filled my eyes because I knew in that moment she had given herself over and she was going to birth this baby without intervention.  She let the midwife massage her back after many hours of not letting anyone but her husband touch her.  She made all those wonderful moans and groans women use to get their babies out after hours of total silence during her contractions.  It was beautiful.  The midwife talked her through each contraction - mom telling her she wanted the epidural with each one, the midwife telling her she'd get it after they got through that contraction - just one more.  The midwife got her out of the tub very slowly to check her "before we give you the potato salad" and sure enough she was fully dilated.  My client in side lying on the bed, grabbed hold of the rails with one hand and her leg with the other and said something like "let's do it NOW!" She pushed strong, she pushed like she was born to do it, and one hour later - her baby girl was born into dad's hands and placed immediately on mom's chest where she shortly thereafter began to nurse.  Mom said "guys! I did it!" and high fived all of us.
This is what birth can and should be.  So often we lose sight of this - how it can be.  Even if medical interventions do become a necessity - we can still keep that same spirit intact.  I visited mom, dad and new baby girl the next day and they were both elated.  Mom was able to be up and about - so different from her c-section recovery.  Dad was still grinning ear to ear when I talked to him about how it was to catch his second daughter.  I felt so honored to have been there to witness it, to do any small part in supporting this couple and this baby.
When I talk about natural birth, I get varied reactions.  Most of my friends gave birth naturally, as did my mother with me, so it's pretty commonplace in my circle.  I do have a few friends that have chosen the epidural route and some friends who ended up needing medical interventions or c-sections.  And then I get the people who react with "are you crazy? why would you do that?" when I tell them I gave birth naturally.  I think each person chooses what's right for them - for me I think it's crazy to have a huge needle voluntarily stuck between the vertebrae in my spine when it's not medically necessary.  I also don't want to have to battle the often not talked about side effects of an epidural.  The swelling I had in my feet after I needed IV fluids during labor was enough of a pain in the ass - headaches and pain at the injection site? No thanks.  I also feel bad that some women don't want to experience this truly unique thing that only us women (and not even all of us, sadly) can do- and I think a lot of those choices are made by women because of a lack of understanding, information, and a culture that portrays birth as a medical emergency, as something to fear.  I think many woman, if given all the information, would actually chose to try and birth naturally and that's part of my goal as a doula, a future childbirth educator and in this blog - to start giving women information.  Some women are threatened by the "natural birth movement" (I actually think that's an oxymoron - we should be talking about the "over-medicalization of birth movement") - just as some women are threatened by breastfeeding or  choosing not to circumcise a baby boy.  But, we're all adults here and you can't blame someone else for your feelings.  Those who are threatened by these things may need to look deeper at why - if they feel guilty on some level, that's something within themselves that may be worth investigating.  If they truly made the choice they feel was best for them - or what they really wanted regardless of whether it was a best practice - then there's no need for feeling threatened or guilty. 
But, I've wandered from the topic - all I wanted to say really was women are just the most amazing, powerful creatures on earth.  I am fortunate that my work as a doula allows me to be reminded of this and to touch that place in me with each birth I am a party to.  This doesn't just come up in birth - whenever you're in a tough spot and really need to dig deep to access your strength - try letting a little of your monkey take over and see what happens! 

Nutcracker? Sweet!

DH and I are not Christian. In fact, we don't believe in god as put forth by judaeo-Christian religions. We are, in fact Buddhists. So, we've struggled over the last 10 years since we've been together and especially the 4 we've been married, with what to do about Christmas. Now that we have Tiger, that question has become even more important. Just what do the holidays mean to us and what do we want to impart to our kid? What kind of traditions work for our family?
This is not an easy question to answer and I've realized it's something we'll be figuring out a little bit every year. You might think that this would put us in a place of being exclusive- being clear what we don't believe in and what celebrations we don't want to take part in. But, in truth, not being tied to a particular "belief" about Christmas (i.e. Jesus was born that day) actually allows to be incredibly inclusive and take in parts of all different traditions that we feel comfortable with, as well as inventing our own traditions and celebrating our spiritual community's holiday- Children's Day.
Briefly, we come together as a community to celebrate Children's Day on or around the winter solstice. We celebrate the warmth and light our children shine into our lives and the lives of our sangha even on the darkest day of the year. There are songs and dance, games, and a visit from the King and Queen of Shambhala who bring sweets to the kids. Then there's a potluck celebration and usually a communal charitable giving (for instance canned goods for a local food pantry).
We're figuring out the rest. Trying to scale down the amount of material presents given and received from family is a big goal. We'd love to get it down to zero at some point. We've decided not to do the whole Santa Claus thing, deciding instead to tell Tiger about who St. Nick was as a person and how a myth has grown around him since his death that some people choose to believe. He can choose whichever path he likes - if he wants to participate in the game, so be it, but we won't be telling him that his gifts come from anyone other than his family. Christmas lights and trees are fun and great. Our nanny, her daughter and Tiger are making unbreakable ornaments and we'll pick out the tree this weekend.
For us, this time of year is about family, friends, community and just enjoyment of each other. The spirit of giving. We feel gifts are not necessary but we understand it's hard for others to leave that part behind. We are being careful to ask for specific things for Tiger. We don't allow plastic, light flashing, noise making toys in our house and tiger has limited tv time (the tv is never on in our house and we don't have cable). So we're trying to be firm but compassionate in asking people to adhere to what we want Tiger to have- always putting forth the message that he needs nothing except to see and talk to family on a regular basis- even though it's often over iChat due to geographical spread.
So we working through figuring out what the holidays will look like for our clan. Next year, Tiger will be old enough to start contributing to what becomes our traditions. He already is. He's decided he loves "carol of the bells" thoroughly so it's on repeat alot as he dances to it laughing with unbridled joy. And today, I got to take him to a special kid's version of the Nutcracker at this beautiful old theater we have in the area. You know- with the balconies and chandeliers. Beautiful. Anyway, me, Tiger, his amazing nanny and his BFF, our nanny's daughter, all went. Me and nanny questioned whether it was insane to bring a 15 month old to an hour long ballet but Tiger loves music. In the days leading up to it, I showed him YouTube clips of the ballet and we danced to the music. He did wonderful at the performance- really no crying and sat in my lap for much of it, eating snacks and watching the dancers, he clapped and cried "again! Again!" when something struck his fancy. When he would get restless, we'd stand at the back of our balcony and I'd hold him in my arms swaying to the music while we watched from there until he was ready to sit again. When he got fussy at the end, which was close to his nap time, I nursed him
In our seat while he watched the dancers with one eye.
It was a magical moment and although I'm sick as a dog with a bad cold, I was glad I rallied to make it happen. I love that ballet, the music is forever linked to the Christmases of my childhood because my mom had a four record (yes we only had records when I was young!) set of the suite. I remember it playing during the holidays as our soundtrack as we baked cookies and decorated. I remember that far more than the giant mounds of presents that were heaped upon us kids (me, my siblings and my cousins) every year. That stuff has no staying power- the nutcracker does, however. Those are the memories I want Tiger to have. I'm so glad for today. The presents we buy him mean nothing- his look of joy and wonder at ballerinas leaping high into the air is what is most important. How do you spend your holidays? What is most important to you? How do you work to avoid the stress and commercialism of the season?

Nothing is ever free - including formula!

Last week an interesting item in the news concerned that little state of Rhode Island, where hospitals are the first to go 'bag free' - stopping the practice of "free" formula giveaways to every mother who gives birth.  I mulled this over for a while.  At first, I thought "hooray!" because I breastfeed and think formula companies are, as are most companies, fairly insidious beasts.  Then, I stopped and thought, wait, is this bad for moms who want to formula feed but don't have a lot of money? Then I thought longer and realized, as so aptly put by Jessica over at the Leaky B@@b in her great series on "unsupportive support" of breastfeeding, that this formula isn't really "free" nor is it helpful to women.  The costs of providing these millions of dollars worth of "free" samples of formula to hospitals is of course, passed on to the consumers of the product (you didn't really think formula companies were altruistic just because they make cute looking ads with happy looking babies in them, did you?).  Formula is ridiculously expensive - as a momma who only breastfeeds, I have often said I have no idea how people afford to buy formula.  Same with disposable diapers, but that's a topic for another time.
Anyway, the Rhode Island policy is not to ban formula giveaways in the hospitals entirely as some seem to be recounting, rather, they will only give the samples to those moms who experience difficulty breastfeeding (whatever that means - it's hard! we all experience difficulty).  Point being, it's not as if women will be completely shut out from receiving the samples if they so desire; however, the policy of the giveaway no matter whether a mom wants it or not and as a routine matter of course is done with.  And good riddance.  As the article from NPR I linked to above points out, according to the CDC, only 38%  of Rhode Island mothers nurse their babies six months after birth, compared with 44 % nationally.  Read that again.  Both numbers are atrocious.  Especially when you consider the AAP recommends breastfeeding for at least one year and WHO recommends breastfeeding for 2 years and beyond.  So what is going on here? I really think, as do many others (and there's been research on this), that lack of support in the US is a big factor in why so few women are still breastfeeding at 6 months.  This lack of support includes in the medical community, in the womens' social communities, and in the workplace.  There is also a huge lack of education on just how beneficial breastfeeding is for your baby and for you as a momma - especially for those in low income communities. 
I should come out and say, I am not only a breastfeeding momma, but I am still nursing my almost 16 month old.  I should also say, I never thought I would breastfeed this long and had no intention of going beyond a year, but I am so happy I still am and so is Tiger (he's a boob man).  I think Jessica hits many good points in her blog and I won't repeat them here (it is a post worth reading), but the most important is an understanding that formula companies are a business.  And like any business they are looking to attract customers and make profits.  They will go to great lengths to do this.  Did you see the ads for the chocolate flavored formula? Thankfully, public outcry led to a quick cease in production of that product, but again, formula companies are businesses.  They may try to get you to forget that - and they may act as if their free formula samples and "breastfeeding support" hotlines are really just helpful and not at all geared toward undermining breastfeeding, but don't for a second believe it.  What business model ever was successful in encouraging women to do something that guarantees the women won't need their product?
Here's my experience - with my first pregnancy that ended in miscarriage (see previous posts), I bought some maternity clothes (my first ever) and naively gave my name and mailing address to the cashier at Motherhood Maternity when she asked for it (I blame pregnancy brain for this incredibly stupid lack of judgement).  Anyway, I began getting all sorts of mail - most of it from formula companies and cord banks (as if I have the money for that).  It was bad all around.  And it kept coming right up until the date my baby was due, which was doubly awful since I lost the baby in my 13th week and every time I got the mail, I had to be reminded of that sad event.  Within a week of my name being sold (thanks, Motherhood, you evil mofos) to these companies, while I was still pregnant, I came home to find a nice brightly colored package on my porch.  Yay!, I thought.  Goodies! Well, what was in that box but 6 cans of similac formula "free" for me.  I was probably 10 or 11 weeks pregnant and I had no idea yet what I wanted my labor to look like and hadn't given a thought to how I would feed my baby.  I thought at the time, "that is so generous! I will put this away in a drawer for when baby is born because I'm sure it'll come in handy."  And so it begins.  By the time I had Tiger, I knew better.  I knew I was going to breastfeed exclusively and I had a good lactation consultant in the hospital and breastfeeding support through my midwives and doulas, but after Tiger was born, he had to stay in the hospital because he was jaundiced.  All my friends and the aforementioned supporters kept telling me the best way to get his biliruben levels down was to nurse.  So, I was happy when my milk came in on the third day after he was born and I nursed him near constantly while he was still in the hospital.  But, the pediatric staff at the hospital didn't agree - I was literally told I was "brain damaging" my son because I refused to let them give him formula.  When I did finally relent, he spit it all up - so they gave him soy formula (turns out he was allergic to both).  When he was transferred to NICU at another hospital, they sent me off with a box of soy formula telling me I HAD TO SUPPLEMENT OR HE WOULD DIE.  I'm not kidding.  The NICU was much more breastfeeding friendly and supplied me with a pump and storage bottles, and a place to do my business complete with a radio and magazines.  They very much encouraged giving him breastmilk and their literature on jaundice even said in the first paragraph that nursing was the best way to bring the bilirubin levels down.  But, I couldn't pump enough this early in the game and so they supplemented and gave him way way too much for his tiny tummy in an effort to reverse the levels.  When he was ready to be released two days later, I met with the lactation consultant who assured me his latch was good.  I was then given his discharge papers which said he needed 5-6 ounces of milk per feeding and that I needed to supplement with formula.  They then handed me this nicely wrapped box of free formula (I later gave it to a friend who couldn't breastfeed).  So many things are wrong with this scenario (5-6 oz? for a newborn? and that implicitly undermines breastfeed because as I asked our pediatrician the next day, how will I know he's getting that much if I'm nursing and not bottle feeding?).  My pediatrician saw him over the next 2 days and immediately said we didn't need to supplement, he was back up to birthweight, the jaundice was gone and would not return.  "Just feed on demand," she said.  The sweetest words I wanted to hear.
My tale is illustrative, I think, of so many practices in this country.  I can count very few women I know who have delivered in a hospital (that was my first mistake) who have not been sent home being told they had to supplement with formula, whether this was medically necessary or not.  Also, most babies seem to be given formula as a supplement while still in the hospital.  Why? Because it's there, it's free and many people, even medical staff, don't understand breastfeeding - especially in the early hours of a newborn's life.  So, I applaud RI's policy.  As Jessica points out in her blog, women who truly want and need formula and can't afford it, can receive aid through other sources to obtain formula.  Also, the RI policy does not ban these women from receiving the "free" samples. 
This is not about breastfeeding vs. formula feeding, although I know it touches that nerve in many women who "don't want to be told they should breastfeed." My quick response to that is if something is safer and healthier for your baby, don't you want to be told about it? Whether it be a medical procedure, a product on the market, or a medicine? If you then choose to ignore that advice for whatever reason, so be it.  No one can make someone else feel guilty - we are all responsible for our own emotions and if you choose to feel guilty, you may want to investigate why.
Happy nursing everyone! May RI's decision be parroted in other states, including my own.  I hope that the policy change also includes the decision to ensure that women get the support they need because as I have said to many new mommas, breastfeeding is f$##ing hard! But, with the right support, almost every momma can give that gift to their baby and to themselves - and everyone wins (except the formula companies!)