Night #5 - the other shoe

“Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what is going on, but that there is something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.” ― Pema Chodron
Hope and fear, hope and fear.  Having had a great night for night #4, I entered night #5 wondering if our good luck would continue or if the dreaded other shoe would drop.  I decided not to expect too much so that I wouldn't be disappointed.  However, when Tiger went down in his crib on his own with only a bottle and put himself to sleep without crying and with DH and I downstairs listening on the monitor - I allowed myself to visit Hope Town (Hope Ville? The Leaning Tower of Hope?).  DH and I actually high-fived and said happily "we did it!" You parents know what comes next - unfulfilled expectations once again and the inevitable anger, frustration and disappointment (not to mention blame).
DH and I had a lovely night after Tiger went to sleep.  I blogged, he worked on his PhD.  Then we spent some much needed QT on the couch.  We were in bed in our room by 10:45.  At midnight, 2 1/2 hours after he'd gone to sleep so quietly and happily, Tiger woke up. DH got up to verbally comfort him and give him his bottle and I stayed still, playing dead.  After 3 minutes of some pretty serious crying, Tiger fell silent.  Just like a switch had gone off and he fell back to sleep.  I mentally congratulated us and him again for such a good job! We've got this, no problem! Sleep was short-lived, however.  Between 12:30 and 1:00 Tiger would fall asleep for a few minutes, then wake up crying, put himself back to sleep and start all over again.  Finally, around 1:30 he really tucked in for a good cry.  I got up and checked him - his bottle had spilled and his shirt was a bit wet and cold so I held him and talked to him while DH got him a new shirt.  Then I took him in the bed explaining we were just going to lay down, but milkies had gone night-night.  That went over like a lead balloon.  Definitely not my best move. 
I changed his shirt and then put him back in the crib.  He went ballistic.  I left the room and went back down to the couch playing movie trivia again and listening for the crying to subside.  By 2:00, it had.  DH texted me to wait a few minutes and come up.  Did I ever mention we live in a beautiful 100+ year old arts and crafts home? Lots of woodwork.  Hardwood floors.  Hardwood stairs.  100+ year old wood creaks. A lot. We spend a lot of time tip-toeing up and down those stairs, trying to find places where they don't creak.  Well, by the time I had tried to slowly creep up the stairs, Tiger had heard me, woken up and was in full temper tantrum.  I was so tired by this point and DH and I had agreed if Tiger hadn't stopped by 2:15 (one hour mark), I would nurse him.  So, I went in the room declaring "I give up." DH was having none of it and we had a not so nice exchange in the hallway like you do when it's 2:15AM and neither of you has slept and the baby is wailing.  It ended this way - I went in the room and took Tiger in bed to nurse and get some sleep (we both had work in the morning so at this point sleep was necessary) and DH went in the guest bedroom to sleep - too frustrated to sleep in the bedroom, I suppose.
It took almost an hour for Tiger to get to sleep.  He nursed a bit and kept rolling over falling asleep for a few minutes, then waking up sitting bolt upright in bed crying.  He had his hands up by his mouth and I recognized this - teething! At around 3, I turned on the light and fumbled to give him ibuprofen which he took willingly - a sure sign his teeth were hurting.  We then had a couple moments of cuteness where he realized his pyjama pants had dinosaurs on them and his shirt had a dog on it.   He was intrigued and wanted to talk about this.  So we talked about these important matters for a few minutes before laying back down.  He fell asleep by 3:15 nestled next to me after a couple of countdowns from nursing and slept until 7:00, waking maybe one additional time, I'm not sure.  I tried to keep him in bed longer by nursing (I go to work a little later on Wednesdays and could have used extra sleep), but when he heard a bus go by outside, he sat straight up and exclaimed happily "Ba!" (his word for "bus).  Game over. He was awake and happy. 
He climbed off the bed and do you know where he went? Straight over to his crib where he asked to go "uppy." In his crib, he happily grabbed his bottle, chatted with his teddys, and watched the fish on the crib soother.  You've got to be kidding me, kid.  NOW you want to hang out in your crib? I took a picture of him standing in the crib grinning and texted it to DH with the caption "he's torturing me."
Of course, I know that's not true.  He's just being a kid.  And it's probably a good sign that the first thing he wanted to do this morning was hang out in his crib.  He rarely wants to do that.  But, I'm tired and not at my best.  This morning I explained to Tiger that I wasn't happy how things had gone last night, but that I knew he was in pain and was trying to tell us.  In retrospect, DH and I agreed if we'd given him ibuprofen at midnight, we probably all would have slept a good portion of the night and I wouldn't have had to nurse so early.  So from now on, when in doubt, humphries and ibuprofen! Honestly, though, we both believe Tiger needs to learn to be OK being in his bed and not nursing during these times of discomfort.  He tends to go straight for the boob whenever he gets a little scrape or is in an unfamiliar situation.  I have nursed him in this way and been OK with it for a long time, but I'm tiring of it and am trying to find a balance.
What is a balance you have struck in this regard? Does it work for you or are you trying to find a different way?
Tonight is a new night and we will begin again.   Hope and fear continue to be obstacles on this parenting path - I will continue to try and be aware when I am coming from those places as it makes me less able to be with my son and what he is presenting.