I am not into blogging. I don't regularly follow any blogs (except for Crappy Pictures - I love that blog and my dear friend's amazing Parenting as Path blog), nor do I take bloggers very seriously. But, here I am "blogging." I feel like that should not be a verb. I am very conflicted over this whole endeavor, but I was talking to my husband about my desire to collect birth stories and publish a book about them, as well as my passion for natural birth and supporting women during birth (be it natural or otherwise), and he suggested I start a blog. So, here I am, trying. We'll see how it goes.
Just dipping my toes in - here is a little about me. I am a first time mom to a 14 month old boy (let's call him "Tiger" since he was born in the Year of the Tiger). I gave birth naturally without pain meds as desired in a small midwife model hospital here in upstate NY where I live. I had a doula/monitrice with me by my side. I will post my birth story at a later date. My full-time job is as an attorney, but my passion and love lies in the area of birthing. I am currently a "doula-in-training," have taken a training weekend sponsored by CAPPA, and am working on getting my first birth under my belt. I am a writer (although it's been years since I published anything), a lover of music, an attachment parent with other philosophies thrown in as fits the needs of our family, a baby wearer, a cloth diaper user, am breastfeeding my toddler, and am a Buddhist in the Shambhala lineage, among other labels. So, that's a little snapshot of me. That said, I'll dive right into our current struggle - the struggle of the last year - sleep.
Our 14 month old has never been a good sleeper. He doesn't like to nap - a couple times a week he only takes 1/2 hour nap for the whole day. And at night, he has NEVER "slept through the night." Every so often, he does sleep somewhere in the 5-7 hour range in one chunk, but never has he slept beyond that without waking. When he wakes, he wants to nurse. He is still getting up every 2-3 hours to nurse every night, which, at his age, is a lot. Or so I hear and read. Either way, it's a lot for me. I'm starting to resent it and as Dr. Sears says - "if you resent it, change it!" Anyway, this sleep issue is a huge burden not only on me (I'm chronically exhausted), but on my husband and on my son. Tiger is a really cheerful, loving kid, who's developmentally ahead of the game, but he's also tired. And when he does get a good nap in (1 1/2-2 hours) we see how much of a positive effect it has on him. We have tried plenty of "plans." No-Cry Sleep Solution, Sleepeasy Solution, and our latest, Dr. Jay Gordon's plan for the family bed. Right now, this is our big challenge - trying to nightwean Tiger (who is very unwilling) and get our family the sleep it so desperately needs.
I was inspired to start this latest attempt by a blog that a fellow mom turned me on to (even though I said I don't follow blogs, this is a good one) - The Leaky Boob. I'm sure many of you breastfeeding moms out there know our good friend Jess at TLB. Anyway, she has had similar sleep travails to what my family is dealing with and blogged with humor and touching honesty about successfully nightweaning her 18 month old daughter using Dr. Gordon's plan. So, DH and I decided it was time to try again, after many failed prior attempts, to nightwean Tiger. Tiger does not take milk anymore during the days I'm at work - most days anyway. Maybe once a week he as a couple of ounces if he's having a tough day or refusing all other liquids. I nurse on request during weekends and nights. Anyway, the nights are killing me so we (ok, DH) came up with a really thoughtful plan, typed it up and gave it to me to read and contemplate. We decided to try this weekend because it's a 3-day weekend so we figured the first few sleepless nights won't be as bad since we don't have to work the next morning. The plan we agreed upon is a kind of hybrid, but more sleepeasy solution than anything. Tiger's crib is in our room. We both agreed it should be moved out. We also agreed that DH and I would do bedtime routine together (bath, PJ's, stories), then I would nurse, then I would leave and DH would do more stories and put Tiger in his crib awake. There Tiger would cry with DH lying next to the crib to give verbal comfort until Tiger passed out or we reached the hour mark. I was to be downstairs out of earshot doing dishes (or upstairs within earshot blogging). This is the easy part of the plan. Overnight, DH is to go to Tiger when he wakes and do the same (lie by crib verbally comforting until Tiger sleeps or we reach the hour mark). Because we hadn't moved the crib out by that first night, I was to sleep in the guest bedroom.
Long story - here is a snapshot of how night one went: Tiger (who has been staying up until 9:30 or 10 during the last week + from his usual bedtime of between 8-8:30 due to molars, travel etc), went down in the crib as planned, cried for 40 minutes, then fell asleep around 8:30. Rejoycing! DH and I had a heart-to-heart about the plan for the evening, our feelings about it, etc and watched some TV before heading to bed in the guest bedroom. Tiger slept about 3 1/2 hours before waking. He then proceeded to cry/scream for 1 hour with DH in the room. I sat in the guest bedroom in tears, unable to sleep, my heart breaking, feeling like it was just wrong, wrong, wrong. I decided the plan sucked. I like Dr. Gordon's plan better (I do). I re-read the Leaky Boob. I texted with my husband all of my feelings and told him I was coming in at the hour mark as planned. At the hour mark, Tiger was still inconsolable so I went in to nurse. The plan was that he not fall asleep nursing and I put him back in crib and we start again with the crying. I couldn't do it. He's my babe and he needed me - or thought he did. And it was now 1 AM and I hadn't slept at all after many days of not sleeping so, in the bed with me. DH got mad I broke our agreement and went to sleep in the guest bedroom. I nursed Tiger but before he fell asleep, I told him I was counting down from 10 and then we would stop nursing and go night-night (I have been doing this with him a lot and it does often work). That's how it went from 1-7:30 when we got up. He woke up every 1 1/2-2 hours and we nursed a couple of minutes and I did the countdown. All but once, he rolled off me and went to sleep before I even started counting down, just hearing me say I was going to do it was enough. Under Dr. Gordon's plan, this is success for night #1! Under Sleepeasy and my agreed upon plan with DH, utter failure. Today was tough - we have a large disagreement over how to handle this and DH is sick of me reneging on our agreed upon methods in terms of sleep. It's night #2 and the crib didn't get moved yet so it's still in our room. We did bedtime the same as night #1 and Tiger has just fallen asleep after crying for about 40 minutes (have I been typing that long? dear god stop me!) DH and I will talk plan after he creeps out of the room and meets me downstairs. It is now 7:45 and the earliest Tiger has gone to bed in weeks (months?) so that's a good thing.
I will update on how night #2 goes. I know a few things: (1) Tiger must be nightweaned for the sanity of all involved, (2) Tiger must be nightweaned before we can seriously contemplate having another baby, which we are otherwise ready to do, (3) I don't want to be nursing Tiger more than at bedtime, morning and when I come home from work - and I won't do more than that while pregnant especially since, as natural mom as I am, I have no desire to tandem nurse (but, never say never), (4) I have no willpower to hear my baby cry in the middle of the night - I lose all logic and perspective and become a wild momma bear that must protect and care for my child!, (5) my DH is very very angry at me because I keep backing down from plans and I have to mend fences there, (6) everything is impermanent. The last one is probably the most important to remember. This moment is different than the moment before and it's gone. One day this will all be a foggy memory.
Empathy? Thoughts? Stories to share?
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