Selfie

I'm going through a particular rough spot in my life. The hardest I've been through since my miscarriage. I had drinks and dinner with a friend without kids (a real treat). A FB friend. A mom friend. We don't know each other so well, but well enough. Our FB mom's group shares a lot, deep personal things, so it's like we all know each other better than we do. She tells me I'm worthy and need to take care of myself and my eyes well up with tears. I'm struck again by so many of us who are lost in an abyss of self-loathing. This is particularly strong amongst the mommas I know.
The worst thing someone can tell me is I'm a bad mom, that I'm damaging my kids. And I've been told this lately. I internalize it and believe it and then it has the very real possibility of becoming true.
Lately, I've been besieged by name calling and aggressive denigration by some external sources. But it doesn't rival the cacophony in my head. I don't need help feeling unworthy- I can do that plenty well on my own, thank you very much. So these days I am slowly starting to reach out to and surround myself with those who will point to my inherent worth, my basic goodness, while being real with me about mistakes I've made. I need the constant reminder that I'm a good mom, a good person, a force for change and help in the world. The reminders serve as just that; it's up to me to internalize them. That's the next phase I'm working on - but that's a life long one for me.
So, tonight is just a heartfelt thank you for those who are giving me those reminders these days. To those who are reflecting back at me my goodness. I may not always believe you, but it helps to hear it. You know who you are. And I hope I pay you back in kind by reflecting back your own self worth.

On being a mother (shut yer mouth!)

It's mother's day again. This is my first year as a mother of 2 (well, 2 who are outside of my womb). I am the mother of 2 wonderful amazing boys – ages 2 ¾ years and 6 months. Having lost a baby prior to the birth of our eldest, not a day goes by that I don't appreciate and marvel at my healthy boys. I am so happy to be a mother – even though it is incredibly difficult and at times, I wish I weren't one, wish I could cash it all in for travel and fun and drinking on outdoor patios. Many little girls dream of their wedding day – I skipped that dream and always dreamt of being a mother. Being a mom has always been my calling. And, I have since learned, that helping pregnant and birthing mothers is also my calling – just an extension of my want of children. I am so thrilled to be a mom to boys – I love boys, I feel more in tune with boys than girls, never having been a "girlie girl" (or woman) myself. I'm far more comfortable in their world of trucks and trains and dirt than I would be in a world of princesses. Our youngest is still just a cuddly, snugly, smiley bag o' cuteness. Our eldest is running, jumping , hitting, throwing tantrums, finding his voice, telling me stories, blowing "zerberts" on my body and laughing hysterically. They are starting to become brothers – my eldest patting his brother on the head and blowing him kisses at times, running screaming "I don't want S to look at me!" at other times. S adores his brother and follows his every move. If R is around, S sees no one else. I can't wait to see how their relationship grows and changes in the next year as the baby starts to move and talk.
Becoming a mother has brought me so much – brought me to my calling of working as a doula (birth assistant), which in turn, has brought me into an amazing and beautiful community of local birth workers and mothers. It has brought me into a truly amazing communal mother's group on Facebook that started with just me and a few of my friends and has swelled to over 200 caring amazing women practicing the "it takes a village" type of support necessary to parent sanely and take care of our emotional and physical needs as mothers. It has taught me where my weaknesses are and highlighted where my strengths are. It has taught me that for every screw up with my kids, there is another chance to get it right. My boys always forgive and always re-set to the present moment. I'm still learning, all the time. And trying not to be so hard on myself is the biggest on-going lesson. That is where my friends on mom's group are so instrumental and my love for them, even when I have not met so many of them in person, is so deep for their constant support, humor and bravery in vocalizing so many of the things that drive us all nuts about being a mother and the emotional struggles we all face while supporting each other in our basic goodness always.
I think it's hard for men to understand what it is to be a mom. Being a dad appears to be a different beast. The societal pressure, pressure from family and friends, and the pressure we place on ourselves as mothers is enormous. And the tribal and communal ways of birthing and motherhood are not routinely practiced in our country today. I am learning to ask for help, to create the community and finding that it's amazing how, if you ask, others will provide willingly. This is beneficial not only to me, but to my boys who get to have a wealth of women (and men) coming in and out to help care for them and help care for their mom, which in turn, allows me to be a better mother.
So, this mother's day for me is not about much else other than appreciation – for all that motherhood has brought to me and all that my boys have brought to me. But, mostly, this mother's day I'm thinking about my community, my tribe and I'm so thankful for them. Many thanks for not making feel crazy or "bad" for many of the thoughts and emotions I have surrounding motherhood – for supporting me through my struggles, helping me laugh at my foibles, and shining a spotlight on my successes. May we all appreciate the mothers of the world today and every day.