Ok ok so I'm being A BIT sarcastic- just a bit. And now I'm being sarcastic about the level of my sarcasm- where will this postmodern morass end??
In all seriousness, I've been holding off posting on this because, well, the whole world seems to be blogging, tweeting and writing about it in the wake of some pseudo-celebrity making an offensive tweet about nursing in public (NASCAR drivers are NOT really celebrities and if you think they are- best stop reading this post now, pick up a good novel and reevaluate your hobbies) and the nationwide Target nurse-in that occurred on December 28.
Here's what I think this whole thing is really about- sex. And the portrayal of women by corporations and the media as sexual objects. As well as both sexes discomfort with the human body. Here's what this shouldn't be about - all of the above. What it's really about is feeding your baby, health, and a bond between a mother and her child. But our screwed up society has injected itself in a perfectly natural process yet again. And our damaged psyches really take a beating on this issue.
Why are so many people (seemingly) offended by breastfeeding in public - "I don't want to see it," "It's disgusting," etc. I think it is largely because people perceive breasts as sexual objects and they only want to see breasts they: (1) like - meaning on attractive women, and (2) being used as sexual objects. They don't want to see breasts on women doing anything other than something sexual. And they certainly don't want to admit that breasts were actually designed for this purpose - to feed our babies - rather than to be sexual objects to leer at or play with. Also, people are still completely uneducated about breastfeeding in this country and there is still a stigma attached to it. The party line seems to be, you're supposed to breastfeed and everyone knows it's best for the baby (and the mother), but we mothers are still supposed to do it hidden in a separate room or under some weird sheet cover thing that corporations decided to make and charge $30+ for (see an opportunity for marketing? grab it!). Moreover, I think most of the people that make these really insanely stupid comments about nursing in public (and I'm sorry, but there is no other way to categorize these comments) are immature and either college kids or other people who don't have children, men, and/or moms who chose not to breastfeed and are defensive about it (see earlier post that touches on that topic). I don't respond to the people making these comments in social media or after news articles on line, nor do I read them very often, because I don't think these are people whose minds are going to be changed or are in some way going to be educated. They may change their minds at some point when and if they experience having a child and mature as they age, but no one is going to change their minds for them. They're too busy buying into the whole "boobs are for sex" thing, without even realizing they've been co-opted by corporations yet again.
Then there's the whole media exploitation of women and the explicit depictions of what an attractive woman supposedly looks like that plays in here because it makes women very uncomfortable with their bodies and with other women's bodies. If women themselves buy into these stereotypes, then they will most likely feel uncomfortable nursing in public even if they can't pinpoint why.
I have been through different situations in my nursing tenure and have made different choices at different times, but when I have felt uncomfortable nursing in public or around others in my home or theirs, I have always asked myself "why?" and at times have changed my mind mid-stream about whether to just go ahead and nurse anyway instead of leaving the room or trying to hold off until we got to the car or home. I have pushed my boundaries and those of others to do what is right for my baby.
I knew from the very beginning that I would breastfeed Tiger and I always am cognizant of my mother, who breastfed me at a time when it was not at all supported and she had to educate herself, join La Leche League and bust heads at the hospital and with everyone around her to do it. This was a time in the not so distant past (35 years ago) when they would give women a pill after birth to "dry up their milk" if they said they didn't want to breastfeed! Paging Dr. Crazy Pants! One of my mom's favorite stories was after I was born and she was still in the hospital, her roommate upon seeing my mom nursing me, lamented that she wanted to nurse but they had given her "the pill" and now she couldn't. My mom - the LLL educated woman who had geared up to fight everyone so she could nurse - told the woman it was bullshit and if she put baby to breast, the milk would come. The woman asked for her baby and of course, my mom was right and she was able to breastfeed. My mom nursed me for 6 months and would have gone longer but she had no support and my dad "wanted his boobs back" (whose boobs?? this is a topic for another time but is reflective of what I discuss above) I grew up knowing all this and I'm sure it was why I never considered anything other than breastfeeding when I had my baby. Given all the pioneering and fighting my mom did, I was surprised when about 1/2 way through my pregnancy she told me she had bought me a nursing cover. I know her intentions were good and I'm sure I was overly unappreciative when I told her to return it because I would never use one of those (pregnancy hormones make me mean... OK, meaner). I didn't realize at the time (mostly because I run with a very liberal pack of mommas all who nurse on demand, whenever, wherever) that women actually still use those. I also didn't realize the place my mom was coming from where she had to fight the establishment and society so hard to breastfeed at all - they certainly weren't going to tolerate her doing so in public. To me, it was insulting - why would I need that? There are laws in my state that protect my right to nurse anywhere. And if someone is visiting me and doesn't want to see me nurse, they can leave the room.
In reality, though, there have been times where I have attempted to cover up when nursing or have felt uncomfortable nursing around others. An example - when my dad visited 2 months after Tiger was born, for the few days they were here with us, I attempted (poorly) to cover up using a swaddling blanket because I knew it would make him uncomfortable. It didn't work. I didn't know how to manage it and Tiger hated it. Plus, we couldn't look at each other, which is an important part of the bonding process that comes along with breastfeeding. Also, I was just barely out of the "I have to take off all of the clothes on my upper body to nurse" stage and he still needed some help with latch, which required both of us seeing what we were doing. After a while, my step-mother told me not to worry about it anymore and I gave up the covering. I have also noted other family members who, when I nurse during their visits, either leave the room or will be talking to me but refusing to look at me (hey - that's pretty weird. Weirder than nursing, I think). Sigh. It's unfortunate they feel this way, but if they want to make that choice, so be it - I do not cover up though anymore after that time with my dad. And I really thought about why I did that, why I felt uncomfortable and realized the greater good for everyone was for me to just feed my baby in the open and embrace it as the normal, natural process it is in the hopes that they would too.
Otherwise, I have always nursed out in the open with rarely an reservations and have never, not once, been approached by anyone in public about it. As I said, I live in a state with pretty good breastfeeding laws and I think most establishments know about them. The only time I definitely received looks was at a bar when me and my friend were breastfeeding and drinking a beer at the same time (oh scandal!), but even then, not word was spoke to me or about me (that I could hear). I am proud that I breastfeed and in an attempt to re-normalize this in our culture (other cultures are once again so ahead of us in this regard), I do so in public without cover.
Nursing a toddler has presented some of these old feelings again of discomfort feeding in pubic, though now they are of the flavor of "what will people think" as my little guy walks up to me, jumps in my lap, grabs my shirt and asks to "nurse momma." Again, no one has ever said anything to me. I haven't ever even noticed strange looks. Even family has never asked when I will stop nursing and I know I am blessed there because so many of my other friends who are nursing toddlers (and frankly, almost all of my friends are) are practically berated by this question by family and uneducated friends (only my 91 year old grandma assumed I'd stop nursing when he "got teeth" at 5 months old). I am heartened by this. Maybe they don't all agree with my decision to nurse my toddler, but they keep it to themselves so that's fine. And if they'd ask, I'd educate them on the stats and the recommendations by the WHO, etc. So my discomfort in all of these situations is really my own - its me dealing with my own perceptions and I have been able to really handle that and keep on doing what I'm doing. I rarely nurse in public these days as Tiger is older and usually when we're out and about, he's so into whatever we're doing that he's not asking to nurse. Or when he does ask, he actually would really prefer a pretzel or an orange so I end up giving that to him instead. At family gatherings outside the home and even at my home, I often take him somewhere quiet when he asks to nurse now, a room where others aren't, because at his age he just gets distracted otherwise. Besides, it gives us some quiet time and a little touch in to the bond that we've created over this shared experience. In that sense, I can understand why some women choose to nurse in a quiet nook where no one else is. If that's their reasoning for not nursing in public, I think it's great. But if they don't do it because of any of the other reasons I've talked about today, I really hope that that is something we can change as a society (and honestly when a newborn or infant wants to nurse, there is nothing you can do to stop them - either hear them scream like they're being killed or nurse them!).
All women should feel comfortable feeding their babies wherever and whenever by breast or bottle. This isn't about boobs, it isn't about sex, it's just about eating. So, what's the problem? If you are opposed to breastfeeding in public, next time you have a meal out in public, make sure to put a sheet over your head or go in a bathroom while you eat because really, I shouldn't have to see that.
Drinking beer and nursing at the same time is a really good way to get two things done that I enjoy at the same time. Brilliant. ;)
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