Selfie

I'm going through a particular rough spot in my life. The hardest I've been through since my miscarriage. I had drinks and dinner with a friend without kids (a real treat). A FB friend. A mom friend. We don't know each other so well, but well enough. Our FB mom's group shares a lot, deep personal things, so it's like we all know each other better than we do. She tells me I'm worthy and need to take care of myself and my eyes well up with tears. I'm struck again by so many of us who are lost in an abyss of self-loathing. This is particularly strong amongst the mommas I know.
The worst thing someone can tell me is I'm a bad mom, that I'm damaging my kids. And I've been told this lately. I internalize it and believe it and then it has the very real possibility of becoming true.
Lately, I've been besieged by name calling and aggressive denigration by some external sources. But it doesn't rival the cacophony in my head. I don't need help feeling unworthy- I can do that plenty well on my own, thank you very much. So these days I am slowly starting to reach out to and surround myself with those who will point to my inherent worth, my basic goodness, while being real with me about mistakes I've made. I need the constant reminder that I'm a good mom, a good person, a force for change and help in the world. The reminders serve as just that; it's up to me to internalize them. That's the next phase I'm working on - but that's a life long one for me.
So, tonight is just a heartfelt thank you for those who are giving me those reminders these days. To those who are reflecting back at me my goodness. I may not always believe you, but it helps to hear it. You know who you are. And I hope I pay you back in kind by reflecting back your own self worth.