It really is a funny video. And yes, I have said many (but not all) of the things in it and have thought even more of them. I'm not quite as bad as the worst stereotype of the crunchy momma (like Maggie Gyllenhaal's hilarious portrayal in the really sweet and wonderful movie "Away We Go"), but sometimes I approach it. It got me thinking about parenting and judgment – within the "natural parenting" movement in particular.
I actually think about that a lot because as I try and educate parents and people through posting articles on FB, through my blog or through my work as a doula, I have to be really aware of how I am presenting information and how I am framing my opinions. I've learned that if you present things in a certain way, the people it needs to reach most will simply tune you out or write you off as a fruitcake and not hear the information that it is actually important that they hear and consider. As a doula, this is very important. When my client asks me a question – "what should I do about xxx?" (circumcision, breastfeeding, vaccines, etc.), it is beyond my role as a doula and the scope of practice I operate under, to tell them what to do. It is, arguably, beyond my role to tell them my personal opinion. A big part of my role as a doula; however, is to provide information to my clients – point them to resources and encourage them to make an informed choice based on what they read. It's a fine line, though, because many of the resources I find are invariably skewed toward whatever opinion I may hold on the topic. So, I have to be careful to try and present both sides of the coin, so to speak. However, if there is no medical research to back up one of the sides, my client needs to know that (for instance, to pick an easy one, there is no medical research backing up that you cannot vaginally deliver a "big" baby, in most circumstances). So it is with all research – it's hard to be really objective.
I will give my opinion to clients, but I am really forthright about telling them clearly that it is my opinion, not fact, and I often try to couch it as "here’s what I did and why it was right for me and my husband" or "here's what I think about that and why." It's dangerous ground, though. I know from experience that I looked up to my doulas and holding a contrary opinion from them can, at times, be difficult. This was through no fault of their actions; it was merely what went on in my mind and with my emotions. I do remember my husband feeling "ganged up on" by the women (myself and our 3 doulas) when it came to certain topics. I'll use the example of whether or not to circumcise Tiger. I try not to preach about circumcision because I truly believe it is a very personal decision. However, I'll gladly present you with evidence and resources about it, if you're interested in and I will admit up front that Tiger is not circumcised. This was not a choice that was made lightly by me and DH. I knew, from the research I had done (Dr. Sears has a great list of questions you should ask yourself before making the choice in either the Baby Book or the Pregnancy Book) that I was firmly against circumcising our little boy. But, DH wasn't so sure. He is circumcised and obviously has a lot more attachment (no pun intended) to the subject. So, in this one area, I made my opinion clear but also told him I would largely defer to his decision. After a doula session toward the end of my pregnancy where we talked about the subject, DH was feeling outnumbered. It had been abundantly clear that all the women in the room were against circumcision, although our doulas were careful to point us to research and try to elicit how we felt, instead of telling us what to do or even stating their opinions (it came across anyway). At this point, DH hadn't read any of the research and a quick reading through Sears (especially the graphic but true description of the operation) and some other info made his mind up quickly and firmly against circumcision (whew! Because although I said I would have "largely deferred" to his decision – it would have been really hard for me to swallow had he decided he wanted Tiger to be circumcised and I'm not sure what I would have done). We have never once regretted the decision not to circumcise and in fact, are really happy we didn't. But, again, as a doula and even as a fellow mother, it's really not my place to say what others should do. And I don't think the practice should be banned – I just think we need to really educate people before they make a choice. I didn't mean to get into the nitty gritty of this topic – it's been gone over on plenty of other blogs and articles. Heated arguments will ensue, but that's not really the point of this post.
Really, what I wanted to talk about (believe it or not) was judgment. Putting aside my role as a doula for a second, as a mother - and an admittedly pretty "natural," "crunchy" or "liberal" or whatever your choice term is, one – I have found that even within my own circles of other natural mommas, I have encountered, bore witness to, or heard of some pretty intense judgment of other people's parenting. Behind their backs, but actually more often than not, to their faces. I think in some ways, that the natural parenting movement has within it an even harsher edge of judgment and criticism than more mainstream parenting circles. Even more than criticizing those parents who are more "mainstream," there are lots of judgments floating around about other natural parents. Like – you're crunchy, but not crunchy enough. God forbid you let your kid watch ½ hour of TV or eat a cookie made with refined sugar every once in a while, the parenting police are in full effect! I hate the parenting police! I am friends with some women I really respect who will turn the parenting police act on full force at the drop of a hat – just get nasty! I try to stop myself when I feel like I may be going there. Sometimes it's hard – there's so much information out there and lots of parents ignore it or buy the "well, we did worse things to you and you survived it" nonsense that parents with grown children sometimes defensively spout. And your beliefs as a parent are so strong – you KNOW you're right that that mom should not give her 12 month old McDonald's in front of the TV, but she's also got a 3 year old and has her reasons. Putting on the parenting police act won't help. She won't even hear you. She'll just turn Elmo up louder and think "thank god I don't have to cook dinner because I don't have the energy."
All this judgment – where does it come from? Our own insecurities sure, but there's more to it. There is just so much information out there. It's difficult to keep up with the latest baby product that's been found to contain toxins or whether infants acetaminophen causes asthma, or that there's arsenic in apple juice. It's so hard, but it's also our duty as parents to try and keep on top of this information and to change our practices accordingly, based on what we're comfortable with after we see the research. If you're OK with a certain amount of arsenic in apple juice then OK, read the study and decide that your kid will still drink juice. I make these calls all the time – how much is too much? I know I should keep my kid rear facing in the car seat until he's at least age 2, I've read the studies and they scare the shit out of me, but my 17 month old, 26 lb toddler with long legs is miserable and I'm miserable and I have to practically break him in half to get him in there and then he screams on long car rides. So me and DH talked and decided we're not driving 10 + hours to visit my parents in April with a screaming uncomfortable kid in the backseat. Until then, he remains rear facing – but for that ride, we're turning him around. Alert the parenting police!!!! It's OK if someone wants to say, "do you know there is research on this – here's the link?" it's NOT OK for them to say "you're negligent and/or killing your kid if you turn them around before age 2." And frankly, if you say that to me, my reaction is going to be a very polite "fuck you" and I probably won't read whatever research you've pointed me because you've annoyed me. But, when I go home I'll feel bad that I'm going to be responsible for killing my kid. Not bad enough that I'm going to deal with 10 hours of screaming toddler meltdown in the car, but still I'll feel like a BAD MOM.
Enough with the bad mom shit, people. We all love our kids and we're all trying to make the right decisions for them and for our families. I doubt there's anyone out there thinking "how can I intentionally harm my child today?" and then researching it and giving them a shampoo with Johnson & Johnson in a front facing car seat while pouring lead and arsenic laden apple juice down their throat. Maybe there are some people, but they're sociopaths (and very good at multi-tasking). The rest of us are just trying to get through it doing he best we can and loving our kids fully and hoping we don't screw them up too badly. The only thing I think that is negligent parenting these days is not doing your due diligence – not reading the research before turning the car seat around, not reading the labels to see what's in the products you give your kids (children's toothpaste with parabens? COME ON), etc. We have easy access to so much information these days and our parents didn't. So, we have a responsibility to perform due diligence before making these choices.
That said, acting as the parenting police toward other parents and casting your judgments their way will get you nowhere fast. You may disagree with another parent's choices (and even voice that disagreement to your spouse or whatever) but remember that every time you levy a judgment against another mother to her face, that mother goes home and somewhere inside her thinks you're right and she's a BAD MOM. She's probably already had that thought 20 times today without your heavy handed attempts to get her to agree with you. As mothers, we do a fine job beating ourselves up without the help of others.
So, remember, your opinion is your opinion and should be stated as such. Providing research to back it up is essential, but make sure to let the person you give the research to make their own informed choice, whatever it may be. Educate don't judge!
And always, always keep a sense of humor about yourself and your beliefs.
Having said all of this, please know that on every given day I have countless judgments of others running through my head and it's something I work with as actively as possible. I know that after reading this post, DH will hit me with a frying pan for being a hypocrite, but I've got a tube of arnica gel right next to me so I should heal up nicely!
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